Outta Control
by emichii
Summary: Tai is a 15-yr-old who is apparently immune to the fatal illness "love" attacking his classmates and everyone around him. Or at least he thought so until he found himself tumbling deep down into it, completely out of his control.
1. Noo! Not the L word!

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, okay??

**emichii: Yo to all my readers and reviewers and fans out there!! ^_^ Welcome to 2009!! And yes, I'm off hiatus and back in action! I hope you enjoy!! Read and review!! **

**Outta Control**

**-A taiora fanfic by emichii**

Everybody always had the disillusioned idea that being a teenager must be easy. Yep. Everybody but teenagers themselves.

Being fifteen was meant to be good. Kinda easy and drifting along. Going to school and messing around with your friends. You're not a kid anymore, so you can make your own decisions; but you're not quite an adult yet, so you don't take all responsibility for everything that goes wrong.

Unfortunately, that sure as hell doesn't make anything easy.

**Chapter 1- Noo!! Not the "L" word!!! **

Tai snorted in disbelief at the annoying new year sevens milling around his high school. He rolled his eyes at the three girls that kept shooting glances at him and whispering excitedly to each other.

But… it didn't matter! He picked up his pace and strode through the hallways. His normally goofy grin lit up his face as he walked quickly. If there was one thing that he liked about the new school year, the first school term, it was being with his friends. Around them, Tai didn't need to mask himself. He could be Tai Kamiya- the cheerful, easygoing goofball with the big heart.

There was no need for the high school social ladder crap.

But crap or not, it was impossible to deny that he was a kind, good-looking soccer player with a great grin. And his best friend Yamato Ishida was the king of the school. The emerging rockstar had fangirls jumping him from every corner and although he bragged about it occasionally, Tai knew that Matt was as sick of this crap as he was.

"Hey, Matt!! Whassup??" he cried out cheerfully, waving at Matt.

Matt grinned. "Not much, not much. Normal school life."

"Thought so," Tai smiled as he punched Matt playfully in the shoulder.

The only thing about Matt that Tai wasn't so fond of was how he dated girls without a second thought. True, he was the king of the school, as mentioned before, but that didn't mean he could change girlfriends as often as he gelled his hair. Because, for Tai, who'd never been in a real relationship before, this stuff was serious!!

Matt dated anyone who he fancied, even a little bit; and anyone who fell for his charm. After two weeks or so, he broke up with them and went on to the next one. And for Tai… he couldn't stand this shallow behaviour.

_But… he's been doing pretty well so far. _Tai thought to himself as he absentmindedly ran a hand through his messy brown hair, to the squeals of the year sevens watching him from behind a corner. _He hasn't hit the 2-week mark yet, but he seems to be going strong and steady with his current girl so far. I guess I can be happy for him right now then. _

The bell rang and everyone scattered to their classes. Tai yanked his locker open and glared with hatred at his maths book before reluctantly wrenching it out. Slamming the locker door closed, he pulled a face at the couples around him.

There was a disease infecting the mass population of high school right now. And it only seemed to be spreading. Just about everyone from year seven to year ten had paired off and it annoyed Tai, because he was immune to the illness.

"This must be what they call love!!" his friend Mimi had remarked to him once.

_Love… must be a waste of time. _He growled almost menacingly under his breath at his admiring fans, and they just squealed at him. _Why the hell would anyone want to waste their time always with the same person? _

He paused. And paled. Wait. That was bad, thinking like that. That was the reason why Matt went through girls so quickly.

He took a deep breath and started his deep thoughtful pondering again.

It just didn't make any sense. As if being a teenager wasn't hard enough, why throw in anything that made it even more confusing? What was with all this hugging and kissing and holding hands everywhere, even in the classrooms? What was with all this squealing and whispering? What was up with the teary-eyed girls and the stony-silent guys?

Tai's eyes hardened but it wasn't because of the stupid algebra problem in front of him.

He'd seen it before. And certainly heard about it.

_Why… _He frowned. _Why would anyone chase after love so willingly if they're just gonna get hurt in the end? _

All those tear-jerking chick flicks he'd been forced to watch by his friends Sora and Mimi… and the apparently real-life dramas and rumours he'd seen around him… why would anyone even bother??

People broke up. People went away. People cheated. People lied.

And no matter how much those certain couples tried to make it work, no matter how much one of them pleaded and begged, no matter how much they might cry and sob… if they weren't immune to love, then they weren't immune to the pain it caused.

_So… _as he had thought before, Tai nodded his head to himself and settled with his first verdict. _Love is a waste of time!! _

But little did he know, although he had never liked anyone in that way before, he was about to be taken down by the most severe case of love he'd ever known of.

---

The breeze was cool around his face as he raced down the soccer field. Tai was high and feeling as powerful as he ever could as he always did on the field. The soccer ball was at his feet and he was expertly bringing it down to the goal.

And no matter how hard the defenders tried, they couldn't stop him. _Heh… _Tai grinned almost as wickedly as he could, though it wasn't very cruel at all, because he was too juvenile and kind.

"YEEAAHHH!! GO TAI!!" his friends cheered the loudest from the sidelines.

Tai was so practised and so masterful at his footwork, he continued to bring the ball down to the goal, while turning to look at his friends.

Matt was standing there, cheering. Mimi and Izzy were also there, rooting for him. And the one standing on the other side of Matt had the most beautiful smile he had ever seen in his life.

Sora Takenouchi.

Suddenly Tai was completely shocked and taken aback. _What the hell??_

He didn't understand!! He had no idea what was going on! He was totally innocent, completely clueless about what was going on. He didn't get it at all!!

His brown eyes widened as he stared at his friend.

_WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!? _He screamed out in his mind, as he was unable to tear his eyes away from her.

He had seen her before. He'd seen her before so many friggin' times. She was his friend. She was his childhood friend, and even now she was a precious person to him, a close friend. So what was so different about seeing her smile at him now?? WHY, bloody why??

_Dammit. DAMMIT! _

What was with this unusual sudden accelerating of his heart? It only beat fast when he was in the midst of a fierce soccer game.

…wait, he was in the middle of a fierce soccer game.

So it's nothing!! It shouldn't be anything to worry about!! Nothing at all! Of course not!

But as he focused on scoring the goal, he found he still couldn't look away from the girl on the sidelines. His mind wobbled dangerously. That smile… Damn, it was cute. And it was so bright, so… stunning… And that smile was just for him.

Tai blushed. And then he swore at himself for blushing.

_NO!! NO! NOOOO!!! _His mind was futile against his body. His face became so hot, so heated. His heart swerved and beat crazily in his chest. He never recalled feeling this insane, this high ever before. His heart swelled up with… with-

_Oh hell no!! You've got to be kidding me!! NOT THE L WORD!!!_

"Tai!!! TAI!!" Matt yelled.

Eheh. They were still cheering for him, Tai thought.

Matt was yelling louder and more urgently than ever. He really was paying attention to the game for once!!

"TAI!!" A dozen or so voices screamed out. Tai found it so hard to look away from her, but she was yelling as urgently as the others and her lovely smile had vanished to be replaced with confusion and worry.

Tai ran into the goalpost.

---

"Tai! Tai, are you all right??"

Tai moaned and blinked open his eyes. Seeing the huge crowd gathered around him, he closed his eyes again.

What. The. Hell. _What the hell happened?!? _

Damn, his head was sore. His forehead was probably bleeding. And a huge lump was probably swelling up. He'd look like a mutant breed of rhinoceros.

Finally and reluctantly, he sat up and looked around lazily at all those gathered around him. Matt's face was twisted between hilarity and worry. He just didn't know whether to crack up over Tai's stupidity or worry over Tai's injury.

"Tai! You are such a moron! What happened out there?" Matt asked, trying not to laugh.

Tai looked sheepish. "I have no idea," he said honestly.

He was aware of the girl suddenly kneeling down beside him. Sora smiled sympathetically, though the concern was obvious in her face. "Are you okay, Tai? Man, that must've hurt."

_Yeah. And it was all your fault. _He thought but did not say.

Tai grinned at her. "I'm okay. But you're right. It does hurt."

She smiled at him.

And his head hurt. But not as much as his heart.

_OH. NO. _

He was lost. He was completely gone, swept away! He was now completely out of control. He was falling, disappearing. Falling down and down and being lost in the tornado of what might happen now that he'd been infected. Yep. There was no hope now. It was too late.

Darn it. He really was completely lost.

He was so totally and completely and utterly in love with her.

**End of chapter 1! Hope you liked it! ^_^**

**Yeah, a somewhat more traditional taiora from emichii. Though, I always try my best to be original and different from my other taioras. This one will be a lot more light-hearted and funny, as you can see. Please review so that I can write more!! emichii. **


	2. I am really screwed now!

**I don't own Digimon!! **

**Hi and thankyou so much everybody for all the overwhelming support and huge amounts of reviews after just one chapter!! Thankyou so much!! ^_^ Here's chapter two! I hope you enjoy! Please read and review!! emichii**

**Chapter 2- I really am screwed now!! **

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no.1:_

_The fifth-graders in their soccer uniforms ran around on the soccer field, bursting with boundless enthusiasm and energy. _

_One boy in particular, with outrageously poofy brown hair, laughed loudly and turned around to shout out to the rest of his team. He was obviously the captain of the soccer team and a happy-go-lucky kid too. Smiling, running around, and calling out to his teammates without a care in the world. _

_A girl was standing at the side of the field watching the boy. She had shining red eyes as she watched her friend. She held tightly to the package in her hands and silently gathered up her courage as he looked towards her and noticed her there._

_She tried to be brave as she rehearsed the words in her mind. He was easygoing, grinning at her as he ran over. _

"_Hi, whassup?" _

"_T-Tai!" she cried out, forcing herself to stare into his friendly brown eyes. _

"_Yeah?" he asked patiently._

"_Uhh …" she held out the package stiffly to him. "In Home Economics, I made heaps of cookies and I… I was thinking of giving them to you b-because y'know, well… you might be hungry, and I know you like cookies and all that and-" she was so annoyed at herself for blabbing on and on like this. _

_But… her heart relaxed as she saw his honest smile. _

"_Thanks so much, Sora!!" He said happily as he took the package into his hands. "I'll be sure to share them with the team!!" _

_She watched him wave to her and then run off. And she sighed a long sigh of disappointment. He… he was so ignorant… He didn't really see her. He didn't really understand. Not at all. _

---

Tai was a pretty much normal teenage boy. He went to school, learnt nothing, hung out with his mates and was obsessed with soccer. However, although it was relatively normal for a boy his age to develop a crush on a girl, he didn't count on falling in so deep. Maybe it was because of how slow this certain development had come for him, but he'd already sped right past the 'crushing' and 'liking' stage to crash head-first into love.

And his head hurt.

---

Tai made his way through the school, outside towards the benches and various spots where the students had their lunches.

He was slightly self-concious about the purple bruise evident on his forehead, from the head-first crashing yesterday. He recognized his group of friends seated a few metres away from him, gathered under a tree, two seated on a wooden bench.

He grinned goofily at them as he neared, per usual. But as he sat down on the grass, his mind was troubled.

_Well… I'm in a load of crap. _He thought bitterly. He snuck a glance at the girl sitting on the bench. It practically made him angry! Just the thought of it!!

_To think, that after this long, I've found myself in love with someone for the first time!! And not only have I no idea what to do, I _can't _do anything about it!! _

Tai played his facade well. And nobody noticed the way he was gazing more intently than ever on a certain someone.

He sighed inwardly. _Just my luck. _

The girl that was so stunningly beautiful she made his heart beat out of his chest just with a smile. She had sincere red eyes and red hair that only just touched her shoulders. And Tai didn't need to even consider her character, her personality. He knew her, and although she had an occasional independent, feisty edge; she was kind and caring and determined. After all, he'd known her for many years. And it was only yesterday he fell for her! Literally!

But…

Sora smiled her bright, stunning smile. But it wasn't for Tai. It was for Matt.

They were the ones sitting together on the bench. Matt was also smiling, and the corners of his normally cool blue eyes crinkled.

Tai knew his best friend well. Matt smiled for his ladies with a charming, confident smile. But… as he searched his friend desperately, he noted the way his smiled a little differently. And he was unable to put a finger on what exactly was different about it, but it gave him a bad feeling. A really… really… bad, twisting, stabbing pain deep in the pit of his stomach.

_Just my luck. For the only girl I have ever liked to be the girl my best friend is dating._

Tai ate his lunch. The food was bland and dull in his mouth, he couldn't taste anything.

Months ago, if this were to happen, surely it'd be okay. If Tai ever fell for a girl Matt was going out with, it would've been okay because he knew that Matt's relationship would not last long.

But he couldn't apply that solution now. After all, it had always been Tai bugging Matt to learn some integrity and work out what commitment was. And only recently, he had been hopeful for his popular best friend because it had seemed like the message was getting through- Matt had been going out with the same person for exactly two weeks and didn't seem to be considering otherwise! In fact, it was only yesterday morning, he was rejoicing about this!!

But, dammit, how had it changed so much suddenly? How could over a few hours, what Tai wanted change this much??

He should've been happy! He was meant to be happy!! He was meant to be so glad for his best friend, that he was showing progress and all that.

And also, if his best friend were able to find someone just for him- someone that suited him perfectly, someone that he could really and truly love, then that would be great!! Tai had always thought that, and he'd always hoped for Matt's sake.

_If someone… as unsteady and casual as Matt… were to be in love with someone, then… that would be good. That would be good for him, and good for me, 'cause then I wouldn't have to worry over him anymore. But…_

Tai didn't realize he was squeezing his sandwich so hard in his hand that he was leaving fingermarks on it.

That deep, uncomfortable, almost-guilty feeling in his stomach jerked. His eyes were pained and he stared at the ground so nobody would see.

Tai remembered the way Matt had smiled at Sora before. It was an unfamiliar scene to him, but even though he was dense and unknowledgeable of all things to do with the 'L' word; it wasn't that hard to work it out.

_Matt… the way you smiled at Sora just then… _Tai was troubled as the ill feeling in his stomach turned somersaults. _Even though it was only for a few seconds… I think… _

_Maybe… you might…_

Matt didn't know. Matt didn't know about this. No-one did.

Nobody out there knew what had happened to Tai just yesterday afternoon. And Tai had to face this himself, this first love of his, because nobody else could know.

And Matt was his best friend, his closest friend, the person who knew him best, the person Tai never kept anything from. The two of them… were meant to share everything, know everything about each other. Because… they were best friends, right?

But he couldn't do it now. Tai couldn't tell him. Tai couldn't let him know.

Tai couldn't tell him how much he loved Sora.

Matt's smile back then, in response to Sora's blindingly bright smile… It didn't have the confidence it normally had. Instead, it was almost shy, although the two were going out. For some reason, it was almost tentative, not charming and confident as usual. Almost as though it was afraid, venturing out for the first time, revealing itself, risking itself for what might be hurt later on.

And that smile… Tai saw it and he realized what could be happening.

Matt was as unsure and unknowledgeable about what love as Tai was. Matt knew everything there was to know about dating and flirting and impressing girls and charming them, but he was new to this actual "love".

Tai thought he'd have been happy for Matt on this day. But he'd thought wrong.

_Hey… Matt? _

_I know I'm the most clueless one of all about this, but… I think… you're liking Sora a lot more than you ever intended to. _

_So I… I know I can't ask… _

_And maybe I won't be able to talk to you honestly again… but… _

_What will happen if… maybe just perhaps… you begin to kinda… fall in love with Sora? _

**Oh. OHHH…. You're probably all thinking right now. In all my taioras, I've never gone this deep. In other words, it means I'm digging myself a real hole. What happens if they both really, truly love her? Not that Matt's giving us any clues right now. But I've got plenty of ideas for later on, so stay with me, k? Thanks for reading!! Please review!! ^_^ **


	3. Valentine's Day Should Just Die!

**I don't own Digimon!! Here's chapter 3! Please enjoy!!**

_Exactly after dating Sora for two weeks, Matt asked her to be his steady girlfriend. _

**Chapter 3- Valentine's Day should Just Die**

Tai heaved a huge groan as he rolled out of bed in the morning.

He picked himself up off the floor and muttered in annoyance. He felt like crap. Tai stared blindly at the calendar hanging on his wall for a moment, saw nothing and then made his way sleepily to the bathroom.

---

_Oh. Crap. _

Tai had to squint his eyes and hold his hands over his face to stop himself from being blinded as he walked into the school building. His face grew white with horror as he saw them. Everywhere!!

His face fell. He knew what this meant! He recognized all the signs!

The adoring couples acting more lovey-dovey than usual. Girls standing in groups, whispering and giggling more than ever. The guys all looking somewhat frightened. And heaps of packages and presents and boxes of chocolates and Valentine's Day gifts.

It was during days like these that everyone was squirmy and nervous and even dead scared. Valentine's Day!!

Because today was the day that the girls gave gifts, mainly chocolates to the boy they liked. And the boys were scared 'cause they didn't know what to expect, as well as because they had only a month to respond with their own gift.

Tai knew some of the boys in his grade were depressed because they never got anything. But secretly, Tai envied them.

---

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no.2: _

_The incessant chattering and giggling of the girls was getting annoying. The sixth-grade girl stood alone on the outside of the throng. She looked up desperately through the massive group with her red eyes. _

_It would be impossible to get through here. She looked down at the small box in her hands, in which her home-made chocolates were placed. Looking around her, she could see the much more extravagant gifts of her peers. There were huge heart-shaped chocolate boxes and huge packages the size of her head. _

_Sora sighed. It was bad enough that Tai was the immensely popular soccer player with the gorgeous grin. But did he have to have his locker next to Matt Ishida's- the up and coming blonde rockstar? _

_She'd seen it before. She'd been waiting for Tai after school and was there next to him while he opened his locker and was flooded by the presents spilling out the door. Matt was even worse. He was _drowned!!

_This wasn't going to work. She turned away from the group of girls crowding Tai's locker._

_Tai never discovered who the unnamed present that came in his mailbox was from. _

---

Tai couldn't find his school books. He stared at the Valentine's presents crammed into his locker. The books were buried in there somewhere, but he couldn't get to it without making everything fall out. And the day wasn't even half over yet.

Scowling, Tai slammed his locker shut and made his way to class empty-handed. He was joined by his best friend Matt on the way there, the blonde boy a lot more relaxed over the whole thing.

"What's this?" Tai managed a joke. "Haven't you drowned in the flood of chocolates yet?"

Matt smiled lightly and shrugged. "No. But…" his icy blue eyes deepened into a more thoughtful dark blue. "When do you think they'll understand that I'm in a serious relationship now?"

Tai would have paid him out for using the words 'serious relationship' weeks ago, but not now. It had been too obvious yesterday that Matt had developed feelings for Sora Takenouchi.

"Oh yeah!" Tai said, eyes widening. "You've got your first serious girlfriend, Matt!! Congrats heaps, man!! I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks, mate." Matt said cheerfully.

Matt suddenly slapped Tai on the back and said cheekily, "So then, Tai, when are _you _gonna answer to your flood of chocolate-giving fans? You're gonna give a White Day present back to _one _of them, right?"

Tai shrugged. "Nah. Saves money just to tell them thankyou."

"Haven't caught the 'love' epidemic yet?" Matt said, jokingly.

"Nope." Tai lied.

_I've been showered with Valentine's presents for as long as I can remember now. But I've never done more than thank each of those girls… except for whoever it was that left me the package in my mailbox four years ago._

Tai walked silently. _I don't think I'll ever return their feelings, because I can't. And now, there's only one girl I like and she… she's not gonna give me anything. _

"Oh!" Matt said suddenly, breaking Tai out of his thoughts. He gave Tai the brightest smile he'd ever seen. "You know what Sora gave me this morning? Home-made chocolates! She worked really hard on them," Matt said, suddenly his face flushed with happiness. "Ain't I the luckiest guy alive?"

Tai stared at him. Since when did Matt start acting like an excited child over his first girlfriend? He had never seen Matt like this, so happy and beaming.

_Yeah. Dammit, you really are the luckiest guy alive, Matt. _

Tai smiled. "So whatcha gonna give her for White Day?"

Matt stopped. He looked almost alarmed. Tai had never seen him lose his confidence like this, Matt was almost desperate.

Tai sighed under his breath and grinned harder than ever. Matt was gonna try as hard as he could to make this one important relationship last.

"I don't know!" Matt said, wide-eyed. "I've got to get her something really good!"

Tai didn't wait for Matt to catch up. "Yeah," he said cheerfully, still smiling at his best friend. Matt was still standing there, wondering, while Tai ran ahead of him.

Matt didn't see the desperate way Tai left, head bowed, fists clenched. He didn't see how much his best friend was suffering.

---

"Hey, Tai."

Tai finished tying up his soccer boots and stood up to face the speaker. He tried to stop the hurt showing in his face as his eyes met Sora's red ones.

Tai tried to act normal, easygoing and cheerful so that she wouldn't know. He grinned at his friend. "Hey Sora."

Sora smiled her bright smile. "I've got a present for you, Tai." She revealed the small package hidden behind her back. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Tai watched as she placed it gently into his open hands. His brown eyes darkened in confusion as he looked at her, frowning.

Sora flushed as she held up her hands. "Oh, don't panic, Tai! This is a 'Just Friends' Valentine!!"

Tai relaxed his shoulders and smiled thankfully at her. "Thanks, Sora."

He watched as the girl he loved turned and ran from the soccer field to the blonde boy waiting. They smiled at each other and holding hands, walked off.

Tai blinked. _Geez. Why don't they just run off into the beautiful sunset for all I care? _

He looked down at the package in his hands. He felt like it was burning his hands off and he should throw it away, stomp on it or crush it in his hands. But he didn't. It felt like it was killing him, but this was the one gift he actually wanted. Even if it was 'Just Friends'.

But how much he wished that were true. He wished that he and Sora could be Just Friends again. But it was different now. Something had changed with him. He wished they could be the great friends they were meant to be, but deep in his heart he knew that it yearned for something more than that.

He carefully dropped the package onto the grass, next to his gear bag. He shouted to his soccer team and they called back. Before he ran onto the field, he stared at Sora's present longingly, and then hardened his gaze, his brown eyes darkening.

_Valentine's Day should just die. _He thought in annoyance as he turned to the soccer field and ran out.

**End of Chapter Three!! And FYI, the Valentine's Day system I'm using here is the Japanese one. On Feb 14, Girls give out gifts to the guy they like and on March 14, it's the guys' turn. But yeahh… I rarely use Valentine's Day in my fics. They're a bit too overrated for me. Hope you liked anyway!! Please review! ^_^ **


	4. I'm Running as Fast as I Can!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon!! **

**Happy Chinese New Year of the Ox!! And Happy Australia Day!! Heh!**

**Here's chapter four!! Thanks for all your reviews!! Please read and enjoy! Tell me what you think!! ^_^ emichii **

**Chapter 4- I'm Running as Fast as I Can!! **

It was the 15th of February in the long suffering teenage life of Taichi Kamiya.

The soccer player was exhausted and he had no idea why. It was afternoon after another pointless day of school. Not much had happened, the usual, sitting through lessons and learning absolutely nothing. So why… why was he so tired?

Tai sighed as he heaved his school bag over his shoulder to begin the walk through the busy streets toward home. His brown eyes settled on the pavement as he walked out the front of the school and turned to leave.

_Why… I don't get it, how can I be so tired?? _He thought wearily. The only thing he could think about just made him worry even more. _Maybe… it's just the effort of hiding this all and keeping it to myself. This secret… that could completely destroy my friendship with both Matt _and_ Sora! And it hurts… and it's painful just to hold it in, but I can't tell anyone… _

_I'm can't let anyone know… _

He was so focused on the ground that he wasn't watching where he was going, accidentally bumping into somebody.

"Sorry!" he said automatically, looking up. His heart froze.

"That's okay," she said, smiling sweetly.

…_I can't let anyone know… that I'm in love with you._

Tai promptly turned into a blithering idiot. He stared at Sora in shock.

She was confused as she looked at him, wondering at his silence and why he just stared at her with such desperation written in his eyes. But her smile stayed on her face. That gentle, warm smile…

"…Tai? Are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

Tai turned red. "Oh…!" He shook his head to snap himself out of it and forced a chuckle. "Hey Sora," he nodded towards her in greeting and was going to leave, when he realized she was just standing there while everybody around her was chattering and leaving.

"Uhh… Sora," he wondered, "why are you just standing there? Don't you have to get home or work at your mum's flower shop or something?"

Sora flushed. "Well… yeah, but I'm waiting for Matt. I wanna say bye to him before I leave. Do you know why he's taking so long?"

Tai's heart hurt suddenly and he winced.

Sora was alarmed. "Tai??"

He shook his head furiously. "I'm fine, I'm fine!! I think, Matt, he… he must have band practise today. He's probably gone straight to the music room. I don't think he knew you were planning to meet him down here."

"No, actually… I know he has band practise today… I was just hoping he'd come down so that I could give him something." Sora's gaze fell onto the box she was holding. "I made him something to eat in case he gets hungry."

Tai didn't know what to think. Sora looked pretty disappointed although she smiled weakly at her friend.

Tai… was weak to her. He would hate himself for doing this. He knew it; he'd hate himself forever for offering to do this…

"…do you want me to run up there and give it to him?" he muttered.

Sora looked at Tai with wide eyes. "You'd really do that? Aw, thanks, Tai!"

She placed the small box into Tai's hands and smiled, full blast at him. Tai secretly felt like crying. Because… well… she was smiling that brightly at him!

"Well, I better get going," she said cheerfully. "Thanks again, Tai!"

"…no problem…" he replied so softly she couldn't hear him.

He stood there with her package and watched her as she ran off. And inside, his heart felt like it had been stabbed.

---

_Argh!! What is wrong with me?? Why did I do that?!? _Tai screamed at himself in his head as he walked through the empty school corridors. _I must be… a really stupid glutton for punishment or something!!_

_Why… _his desperate brown eyes fell onto one of the music room doors. _Why did I even offer to help? _

He reached out for the door handle and paused as he heard the sound coming from inside.

And it wasn't music.

It was a boy's voice and a girl's voice. The boy's voice was Matt's.

---

Matt pushed himself back against the wall, knocking over a chair in the process. His pale blue eyes were wide and kind of frightened. He stared at the girl walking towards him.

She said, "Oh Matt… what's wrong with you?"

Matt cried out to her, "What? Is it so hard to believe that I'm in a serious relationship for once?"

"Yeah, you know what, it actually is!" The girl said matter-of-factly. "Who are you trying to kid, Yamato? You know you can't do it! This chick- she's like the seventeenth girl you've dated this year. It's always the same, one after the other. You say you want commitment but you change girlfriends all the time. So what makes this one so different?"

Matt's face was tightened.

"It's not fair, Matt. You know it's my turn. Why won't you go out with me?"

"I told you! I've got a serious girlfriend!"

"But you've done this all before, Matt. You try to make it last, well, at least, the girls try to make it last, but after a while you're sick of them and break up. Why are you suddenly so dead set on trying to make it last when you know it won't happen? And if you are trying so hard, why does it have to be that girl? Why Sora Takenouchi? Why can't it be me, Matt??"

Outside, Tai leaned his back to the door, eyes squeezed shut. He knew this was a conversation he shouldn't be hearing but… he couldn't help himself. Even though it was tearing his heart to pieces.

"It can't be you," Matt said loudly, "because I don't feel for you at all!! It's Sora because she is the one girl that I love!"

He stood up and made his way to the door, huffily. His band was rehearsing in the next room down but he'd been dragged in here by one overly bossy girl. He grabbed the doorhandle and pushed.

---

"Tai?" Matt was shocked as he pushed open the door straight into Tai.

"Ouch." Tai muttered in reply.

"What are you doing here?" Matt asked, suspicious.

Tai stood, tall and lanky in front of him. The blonde boy stared straight into his best friend's eyes; they were both around the same height. But Tai dropped his head down, to hide his face.

His voice was rough and kind of hoarse as he held out Sora's package. "Sora wanted you to have this, Matt."

Matt blinked in surprise at the box. "Oh, thanks."

Tai turned from Matt to leave. He still hadn't raised his head to meet Matt's gaze.

Matt frowned at his best friend's strange behaviour. He took two steps towards Tai, "Hey, what's wrong with you??"

Tai didn't turn around. "What do you mean? I'm fine!"

"Tai!" Matt said again.

Tai picked up the pace as he went down the stairs. "See you, Matt."

He quickly walked down the first few steps and then leapt over the remaining ones, not turning back once. He gritted his teeth and ran for it, ran as fast as he could.

"TAI!!" Matt's cries died out behind him as Tai disappeared.

---

Mimi stood in the CD shop.

Her soft pink hair fell to her shoulders. She had a pretty smile. She stared at herself in the mirrored wall. She wondered what was missing. And why the light in her normally happy eyes was dull and gone.

She sighed and turned away from the wall. Her eyes settled on the CD in her hands. Matt's first demo CD was available for purchase now. She didn't know what to think. Her fingers tightened on the case. She looked down at the photo of Matt on the cover. Something within her lurched. Some strange… strange sort of… longing.

She was shocked by a guy racing past her suddenly, down the street. Mimi's eyes widened. It was Tai, his brown hair messed up with his speed and his fists clenched tightly. He looked like he was in pain, so much pain that he couldn't bear it. And he ran on, unseeing, not seeing Mimi there, or anyone around him.

The weirdest thing was… Mimi recognized that pain in his eyes, and realized that it reflected her own in the mirror before.

---

_Why?? What's wrong with me? _Tai's mind went slowly, the thoughts floating by while the scenery around him blurred with his speed. He went so fast, he shocked himself.

_This is so stupid. I can't believe I let myself fall this far!! And all along I'd known this 'love' would kill me. I don't even know what to do anymore!! Because… well… Sora and Matt… they… they seem to care for each other so much!! Matt… he really loves her now, and he's trying so hard. How can I… possibly stand in the way of that? _

_My best friends are happy together, so why can't I be happy for them? Why, instead, does it hurt me so much??_

_I… I'm lost. I'm really gone now. … I don't know what to do. And I wanna run away from it, run as far and as fast and as hard as I can; but I don't think I can get away._

_What… what can I do?? Everywhere I turn, everywhere I go, it's all hopeless!! _

_I thought I could hold it in, keep it inside. But it kept piling up- this… pain! If I run away from it, it seems to follow! What am I meant to do?? _

_The way Mimi used to talk about it; she made this 'love' business seem so much more trivial. The way everybody acts about it, with Valentine's Day and stuff, no way has it ever been this crazy. _

_So what's wrong with me?? _

Tai's eyes darkened as he realized with horror. _The truth is… just… maybe I've been kidding myself. _

_I wonder… for just how long… have I actually been hiding it, not just from others, but from myself?_

_Have I actually loved her and been hiding it for much longer than I think? _

_Just how good am I actually at tricking myself and laughing at other people that are lovesick? 'cause I fear… the last few years… I've been much better at it than I ever would've thought. _

---

The brown-haired boy raced past the flower shop. Sora blinked as she slowly recognized him. She saw the way his white school shirt was hanging out, recognized the powerful way he ran, the messy brown hair blowing around on his head.

This was the running figure she'd been watching for so many years.

But something was different about him. His fists were clenched and his eyes were so dark. Sora abandoned the desk and raced out the shop, pausing for a moment out in the street. Dammit, he was so fast!

Why? Sora wanted to know, what was wrong with him?? He sped past her so fast, so she only saw for a second, but that look in his eyes. They were so full of pain. Tai's normally warm brown eyes were so full of suffering that Sora hurt inside too.

She watched his figure shrink in distance of the street and she herself started running. Because she was so concerned, and she had to know what was wrong, what had happened to him. Something about Tai… just seeing him in so much pain, it really hurt her too. So Sora began to run, tearing down the street.

---

Darn, he was fast.

Sora was out of breath but pushed on. Suddenly, he became within reach, but even though Sora was so exhausted, Tai wasn't. He was so powered up on whatever was bothering him, he could've run for another day without stopping.

Strange, huh? And just before he was thinking about how tired he was.

Sora stretched out her hand. "TAI!" she shouted.

He stopped, and turned. Tai stared down at the girl. Her eyes were red and full of concern and she panted heavily from the run. He didn't understand.

"Tai, I'm worried about you! Are you okay?" she asked, but the words fell through Tai.

His eyes still held the dark pain he'd tried to hold in for the last few days. There was so much of it that Sora felt like she was drowning as she saw for the first time just how intense it was.

He didn't answer her. He just stared at her, kind of hollowly. His face was twisted into a grimace of someone trying to bear great suffering.

Finally, he spoke. His voice was ragged and torn, tired and hurt. "…sorry…" he muttered. Then he said it again, louder, more painful. "…I'm sorry, Sora!!"

And Tai turned once again and left, running away as hard as could, as though if he ran fast enough he could leave his suffering behind as well as Sora.

And she just stood there, alone, as he vanished.

**End Chapter Four! Eh… yeah, that turned out a bit different than planned. This chapter wasn't really planned out or anything. But I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. It's gotten surprisingly deeper than expected. It wasn't meant to get this serious so early, but… it's got a life of its own!! I hope you liked it anyway!! Tell me what you think!! ^_^ emichii**


	5. I am NOT in denial!

**Disclaimer: Digimon does not, in any way or form, belong to me!!**

**Hi everybody! How's it going? It's so stinking hot here in Aus! Hope you're all enjoying your nice cool and possibly even freezing weather out there on the other side of the world!! ^_^ **

**Anyway, I'm glad you all liked the last chapter, even though it must have shocked quite a lot of you with the sudden seriousness! Here we're toning it down again… just a little. I'm excited for the coming chapters because everything will be explained and unravelled veerrrryyyy soon!! **

**Read and review! **

**Chapter 5- I am NOT in denial!! **

It was Friday morning as Tai made his way through the crowded hallways of his high school, squeezing past the couples and students, and dodging the somewhat violent shoving and pushing crowd nearby.

He sighed deeply, soulfully as he stared blankly at his locker, before opening it and grabbing his books for the first two classes.

_Gahh!! _He moaned inwardly. _I. Am. So. Totally. Screwed!!_

Even now, he was unsure, continually looking around him and checking his back to see if anyone was watching him.

His mind was very muddled-up and confused, though dazed at the same time, as though someone had thrown a bag over his head and he really didn't mind.

_Yesterday… that was ridiculous. _Tai slammed the locker door shut and made his way down into the school corridor. _I… I'm afraid. I'm really scared… because…_

Tai stiffened and gritted his teeth as he spotted the blonde boy leaning casually against the wall across the corridor. Matt was engaged in conversation with a few other people. The blonde laughed in his carefree way and Tai was so envious of how Matt had nothing to worry about at all.

Tai kept his head down and clenched his jaw shut as he passed by, trying to avoid Matt. He didn't want to talk to him. He didn't want Matt to see him. He couldn't… handle it.

…_I'm scared 'cause they might… _

He continued to look straight ahead as the red-haired girl walked right past him. He ignored the pink-haired girl leaning against her locker, texting away on her mobile phone.

…_be beginning to suspect me. _

Tai swallowed. _Matt and Sora… and even Mimi… after the craziness yesterday… they obviously know that something's up with me… I can't let them find out!! _

But Tai made the stupid mistake of slowing down in that busy corridor and stopping there. The red-haired girl had already passed by him, not seeing him in the crowd and made her way across the hallway.

She had brushed past his shoulder, but hadn't noticed Tai at all. And Tai flushed and swore under his breath as he weakened and impulsively grabbed his arm which Sora had just unknowingly touched.

And… even stupider, Tai made a worse mistake by turning his head and following her with his eyes as she passed by.

Of course she hadn't seen him. Of course she didn't even recognize the tall brown-haired boy who she'd passed. Her eyes… had been intensely focused on someone else.

She smiled and excitedly ran the last few steps towards the blonde boy leaning against the wall. The boy smiled in greeting and his normally icy cool eyes seemed to twinkle with the unusual uncertainty. The girl smiled back, a bright gorgeous smile just for him as he opened up his arms for a hug.

And Tai felt like he was drowning.

---

"Tai! Hey Tai!"

He turned to face Matt who was coming up behind him. Matt frowned slightly as he said, "Are you all right?"

Tai blinked innocently. "What?" He grinned his goofy carefree smile and shrugged his broad shoulders. "What do ya mean, Matt? I'm great!"

Matt slowed down as his blue eyes crinkled up in confusion. They searched Tai's eyes carefully. "…Tai, yesterday, you…"

"Huh? What did I do?"

"You just ran off while I was calling after you!"

"Did I?" Tai asked genuinely as he frowned. "Well then, sorry 'bout that. I was in a hurry."

Matt stared at Tai, struggling to decipher his honest and carefree attitude. Tai just grinned at him, and his brown eyes shone the way they always did.

And it wouldn't be until much, much later when Matt would see the carefully masked hurt in Tai's smile.

---

As the school day began to draw to a close, Tai was infinitely relieved! He had made it! Perhaps, he was really okay and he now had absolutely nothing to worry about! He'd managed to get through the day and tell himself that everything was completely fine and he was sure that he'd managed to trick himself into believing it. So… no worries!!

Tai walked down the stairs and didn't look back at the school behind him as he began to head towards home. However, he wasn't able to hide from what he'd seen this morning and what he'd been trying so desperately to keep inside.

_Crap! Dammit! _He was so infuriated. He couldn't do anything about it! He'd tried to push it out of his mind, but he couldn't. He recalled it all, perfect detail and vividly.

Sora… not even seeing him, walking right past, her beautiful red eyes set on Matt and only him. The way he was leaning against the wall and then raised his head to meet her eyes, sending her a sweet, uncertain smile- the smile that definitely proved to Tai that Matt truly cared about Sora. And how she smiled right back at him, her face lighting up as she practically ran into Matt's open arms.

Oh for crying out loud!!

Tai's head hurt. His heart hurt. Every part of him was sore and weary. He dropped his head and closed his eyes tightly, breathing in and out deeply, trying to console himself.

Suddenly, he was shocked out of his mind as he felt the light touch on his back. He blinked open his eyes and whirled around to face the shorter girl behind him. Sora was also surprised at his quick reaction but looked up at the tall soccer player and smiled.

Tai frowned slightly. _Since when… was she this small? _He found himself surprised at how much shorter she was than him; she was standing there gazing up at him.

Tai was immediately uncomfortable as he tried unsuccessfully to slow down his racing heart.

Sora smiled up at Tai. She had her hands behind her back now, and although she wasn't touching Tai, she was standing so close to him. "Hey Tai."

Her honest smile was almost too much for him to handle close up. He avoided her gaze, even though it might hurt her feelings and muttered hoarsely, "Hey."

And he was shocked that she was not standing here waiting for Matt or wanting to ask him about Matt. Sora was here to talk to Tai, and only him!

"…Tai, I was really worried about you before," she said, frowning. "But today, you seem…"

"Better, right?" Tai interrupted.

Sora paused and her frown deepened.

Tai stared at her.

She began to stammer an answer. "Y-yeah… I guess."

Tai grinned a normal goofy Tai-like smile. "Good!"

_Why? Do you still think there's something wrong with me? Can you see through me? _

Even though Sora was staring up at him so insistently and worriedly, with the care showing in her red eyes; he turned away from her. Even though she had never stood so close to him, talking to him so intently and deliberately, Tai wouldn't stay there and enjoy it.

_No… 'cause I can tell myself I'm fine, and that there's absolutely nothing different about me… Nothing has changed at all… I'm still the normal, happy-go-lucky Taichi Kamiya! There is… absolutely… nothing… wrong with me at all!!_

Tai turned away, smiling as he always did, making sure that she couldn't see that he was actually clenching his teeth hard to stop himself from cussing out a long string of swear words.

But _nooo_, she had to wreck his perfect plan once again. He totally didn't expect it. Sora just took a step out towards him and grabbed his arm to stop him.

Tai paused in his step and took a deep breath before daring to turn his head and stare at Sora.

But that was another stupid mistake. He couldn't maintain the cheerful it's-all-okay personality he had managed all day long, and let her catch a glimpse of the painful hardness in his brown eyes.

It was only for half a second that Tai overreacted and let her see his anguish. Sora's eyes widened for a moment.

"Tai-" she started.

He relaxed his face completely and pulled out a gentle grin. "Seriously, Sora," he said light-heartedly, "Please don't worry about me!"

She had to let go. And he left.

Sora couldn't help feeling like the empty space between her hands was drowning her, and it was almost painful watching him turn away from her once again.

---

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no.3: _

_The seventh-grader burst through the doorway, slamming Koushirou Izumi's bedroom door against the wall. _

_Izzy didn't even look up from his computer. He said simply, "Tai, how many times will you continue to barge in without knocking?"_

_Ignoring his friend's comment, Tai went right in and fell with a thump onto Izzy's bed, stretching his arms out with a heavy sigh._

"_Izzy, I think I'm in trouble," he confessed. _

_The computer genius kept typing away on the keyboard, eyes glued to the screen. "Really now? Since when is that new?" _

_Tai ignored Izzy's sarcasm and went on, his brown eyes searching the ceiling above him, truly troubled. "I… I think that maybe I like Sora." _

_Izzy was silent, even pausing on the typing. "…what do you mean, Tai?" he asked carefully. _

_Tai frowned. "I think I might like _like _her." _

_Izzy was quiet and then his shoulders started trembling and shaking. Tai sat up on Izzy's bed and stared wide-eyed at his friend. He was confused. _

_Izzy couldn't hold it in any longer. The computer genius burst out into gales of laughter, hacking like a maniac. _

"…_N-No way, Tai!" Izzy managed to splutter out in between bursts of laughter. "That's hilariously impossible! There's no way someone like you could like someone!! After all, aren't you the one who reckons this whole game is ridiculous and doesn't understand how it works anyway? Tai, you're the good-looking nice guy in the soccer team the girls all gush about, but doesn't understand why!!"_

_Tai blinked and stared at Izzy, now sitting straight up and trying to understand. _

"_And… Sora? You two are childhood friends, practically best friends, Tai! You don't seriously feel that way about her, do you?" _

_Tai frowned and thought that Izzy really made a lot of sense. His shoulders relaxed and so did his heart as he let his mouth curl into a smile. _

"_Haha…" Izzy was wiping tears of laughter from his eyes as he turned back to his computer screen. _

_Tai started laughing too, cracking up hard. "You're right, Izzy! I don't know what on earth I was talking about! That's insane!! It's almost funny, man! Me and Sora are just friends!!" _

_It all seemed to make a lot of sense to him, so Tai really and truly believed it._

---

Tai couldn't stop imagining the touch her hands had on his arms before when she pulled him back. Tai tried to loosen up his shoulders and his arms as they swung next to him. He walked home to the Kamiya residence but absolutely couldn't get rid of the dread inside him.

Sometimes, stuff like this happened. When everything seems fine and then suddenly crashes.

_WHAT??_ He could exclaim in disbelief and in absolute know-it-all denial. _This is ridiculous! Why would I feel this way? Me and Sora are just friends!!_

And he could say anything he wanted, but deep down, he knew he had crashed.

**So… what did you think? I hope you liked!! And by the way, I KNOW I've dug myself a big hole! I'm trying to climb out of it right now!! I promise I'll get there eventually! I'll fall a coupla times but it just makes the view at the top even more worth it!! So, let's all cheer for Tai, kk? Thanks for reading! Please review and encourage our favourite Digidestined leader!! ^_^ emichii **


	6. I am so Sick of All this Crap!

**Hey everyone! How's it goin? Just wanna let you all now, that as you all saw in chapter 4, things got messy and quite serious. Everyone be prepared, because next week the second bombshell is coming!! _ Aren't I nice? I'm giving you all a warning now! So… enjoy this week's light-hearted chapter while you still can!! Read and review!! emichii **

**Chapter 6- I'm so Sick of all this Crap! **

Saturday morning light was streaming its way through 15-year-old Taichi Kamiya's curtains. Tai groaned as he rolled over and stared through squinty eyes at the light. He didn't want to get up. Dammit, he really didn't want to.

He paused in his thoughts and then realized that it was the weekend. There was no need to wake up now. Tai smiled lazily as he pulled the covers over his head and hid himself from the light.

---

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no.4: _

_The boy with the brown poofy hair threw his soccer boots into his gear bag and began to leave the changeroom. Heading down the mostly empty corridors, he picked up his pace and his face brightened as he spied the girl waiting outside for him. _

_As the glass door swung open, the girl turned and smiled her brightest at him. _

"_Hey Tai!" she greeted him, her pretty red eyes sparkling. _

_The seventh grader boy smiled back. "Hey!" _

_They began the journey towards their homes, a trip they used to make together, because well, travelling was always funner with company, wasn't it?_

_Tai and Sora were cutting across the sports oval, when a few of their classmates came up to them. After the initial greetings and small talk were done, it was obvious to see that the peers were dying to know something._

"_Hey… we've been wondering… are you two going out or something?" _

_Sora's body froze. Her easygoing smile tightened and she panicked as she felt her face grow warm. She struggled and she yelled at herself, but she was so certain that now her face was going bright red for all the world to see!_

_She didn't speak; for fear that she'd blurt out her feelings._

_Barely missing a beat, not leaving much space after the question for them to suspect anything, Tai smiled. He was completely confident and his voice was easygoing and relaxed as he answered. _

"_Nah," his cheerful friendly smile didn't lie. "We're just friends." _

_After the others had left, Sora begged that her face had returned to its normal colour, but inside she was somewhat devastated. Sure… she knew… of course she knew, they were just friends! It wasn't like they liked each other or anything!! But he didn't have to answer so bluntly!_

_Tai, the dense one, didn't notice Sora's disappointment as he walked cheerfully beside his friend. _

_But over time, after this small incident, Sora understood Tai's easy answer, how he smiled so honestly and replied so clearly and confidently. And she thought that maybe she should give up. _

_­_---

Sora sighed lightly as she inspected herself in front of the mirror and tried a small smile. She blinked a little sleepily as she began to turn and leave her bedroom. Suddenly, something caught her eye and she turned back to her dressing table to look back at it.

Her smile deepened as she touched the thin silver bracelet lying there and glinting in the morning sunlight. It was a present from someone dear to her. Just one of the small things he gave her every now and then just to show he cared. And it always made her smile to think about it.

Sora ran a hand absentmindedly through her red hair as she turned once again to leave. Somehow, as she quietly made her way through the silent corridors of the house, she felt a sense of wistfulness, a kind of sad… longing.

She wondered about her friend Tai. She imagined that he was sleeping in this Saturday morning, while she was getting out and about already, with things to do. Sora's red eyes drifted down to the floor and she was almost shocked as she realized that she felt immensely sad just thinking about such trivial things.

Sora told herself to think of Matt. She imagined the silver bracelet he had given her glinting on her dressing table and the way he always smiled at her, a different kind to his normal one. Sora's face brightened and she smiled once again.

Then she opened wide the front door and walked out into the sunlight.

---

As the heat bore down during midday, Mimi pulled her sunhat down lower over her eyes. The never-ending crowds on the street simply passed her by; she was swept along with the tide of faces, so many strangers and people busy on their own journeys.

Her eyes glimpsed the familiar letters above the shop across the road, loudly declaring "Takenouchi Flower Shop". She paused for a moment in thought and then lowered her eyes, letting herself smile a tiny smile.

---

Tai was finally awake as he strode through the busy and crowded market streets. The midday sunlight caught the colour of his hair as he walked through the crowd, tall and confident.

He could feel the stares of admiring young girls on him as he passed, and sighed to himself. He would still… never understand it. How could he understand this… "liking" business? He himself… and Sora… why did he have to fall for her, of all people? Why his best friend's girlfriend?

Why the one girl that Matt had ever dated seriously and actually cared for?

Dammit! Just thinking about it frustrated him and he clenched his hand tightly over the handle of the grocery bag he held, full of the groceries his mother had asked him to get.

Tai sighed again, not noticing that the way his weary and distressed face looked made the girls watching him squeal.

Damn, he really was a sucker for punishment, wasn't he?

Tai tried a small smile on his lips. It was a little wobbly and far from his usual goofy confident one. He frowned as he went on his way, thinking his troubling thoughts.

_Sora… I… wonder what she's doing right now._

He somehow felt his shoulders relax a little as he let himself imagine her heartfelt smile and her pretty red eyes. But along with it, he couldn't ignore the silent stabbing in his heart.

_Even after all this time spent with her… I still wonder why… it took me so long to open my eyes and see her. If maybe… I'd realized earlier I wouldn't be so stuffed right now. I wouldn't be… longing after the girl Matt loves. _

He imagined Sora's cute smile, the sincere and bright smile that melted him whenever he saw it. He recalled the way she looked up at him with pretty and shiny red eyes and her voice, when it was happy and lyrical. Her fiery side, which kicked in every now and then when she was annoyed; and how cute she looked when she was angry and glaring at him.

How had he managed to be so blind all this time, so ignorant? For so long, he'd been beside her and never truly seen her?

…_we… are just friends… _The words ran slowly through Tai's head. _…and nothing else… There's no way that can change… _

_So why did I have to fall so crazily and out of control in love with Sora Takenouchi? _

Tai fell into a tired smile. _…because she was a friend to me. Because she has always been beside me and nearby, supporting me and cheering me on. 'cause she's seen all sides of me, my goofy and cheerful exterior, my stubborn and slightly bossy attitude, my naive and whiney side… she just… knows me… _

_And because she is beautiful and caring and friendly and loyal and determined and honest and fun to be with and hang out with and she listens and she is encouraging and- and-!! _

Tai paused suddenly with shock on his face. His jaw dropped open and his face burned hotly. _NO!! NOO!! STOOPPP!!_

The soccer player half-buried his face in his hands as he waited for the traffic light for the pedestrians to cross the road. _I… I really am outta control!! I can't… I have so many reasons for liking her and so many reasons why I can't!! So why… why can't I stop bloody thinking about you, Sora Takenouchi??_

He'd wondered why it'd been so sudden and why on earth these feelings took so long to hit him.

And all those girls who had spent the last few years watching and admiring him would've gladly told the tall, tanned and athletic but clueless soccer player why. It was because he'd grown up.

---

The boy confidently and simply walked into the store. He passed the aisles of greeting cards and bonquets of flowers and soft toys lining the walls. He was tall and good-looking, gaining glances and whispers from the girls nearby.

But he ignored them all and walked right up to the counter, where the girl standing there looked wide-eyed at him, before giving him a bright smile.

And the boy sent one right back.

---

Tai knew this street perfectly well. One store down, to his left was the florist that Sora's mum owned. He felt his heart beating uncannily fast, and it continued to accelerate as he walked forward.

He felt the heat burning up his face as he walked. He'd been thinking about her, the features of her face, and her qualities and little habits that he knew he adored, particularly her brilliant smile.

And it just made him want to see her more.

His feet began to walk faster. And suddenly, stopped. He did not turn his head to face the shop. He didn't allow himself even a short glimpse. He lowered his eyes and focused them angrily to the ground.

…_no. I can't do that. _

Aw, it was what happened yesterday. He wouldn't forget that. Screwing up and making a somewhat small mistake, which made him pay. He shouldn't let himself glance at her and then suffer and hurt inside when he saw her with Matt.

And it wasn't like he even knew that Matt was in the flower shop, coincidentally maybe visiting Sora right at this moment.

Tai screwed up his face and clenched his fingers over the bag handle harder. Then, without stealing even the shortest glance and only staring straight ahead, he walked straight past the Takenouchi Flower Shop.

---

The pink-haired girl stood quietly outside the flower shop window and watched silently. She smiled slowly and turned from it, reaching up to pull her sunhat down over her eyes.

Sora and Matt were in there together. He was leaning over the counter, smiling at her in that smile that was just for her, talking animatedly and blue eyes sparkling. Sora was nodding and hanging onto every word he said, smiling delightedly. And their hands stretched out on top of the counter, touching.

Mimi sighed almost inaudibly. She whispered repeatedly to herself to calm down. She took two steps away from the shop defiantly. But inside, she knew the sadness was growing and eating away at her.

Why hadn't she answered him truthfully? Why was she so ashamed and shy to tell him the truth? Why hadn't she said what she was meant to have said when he asked her that question?

His words still burned in her mind now.

"_How will I find someone like that? Someone like…" _

"…Me."She should've said.

**End Chapter 6! Hey, I know that ending didn't make any sense, but it will next chappie! So stay tuned and all will be revealed!! Ooohh!! ^_^ Thanks for reading! Please review! Oh, by the way, I'm so sorry for updating late. The computer broke down and had to be completely rebooted!! Luckily, my fanfic wasn't lost, huh? ^_^ **


	7. How it All started, Apparently

**I don't own Digimon! Hongo-sensei and Toei Animation own it! Thanks for all your wonderful reviews everybody!! Please enjoy chapter 7!! emichii! ^_^**

**Outta Control- a taiora fic by emichii **

Tai was pretty much an average teenage boy. He seemed carefree and always had a goofy grin on his face, a cheerful response to anything that might go wrong, slightly dense but a great leader. What lots of people didn't know about him, however, was that he was hiding a horrible secret.

They really had no idea just how good a liar Taichi Kamiya could be.

**Chapter 7- How it All started, Apparently**

Matt was doing so well. It was now well past a month since he'd started dating Sora. It would be their one-and-a-half month mark soon, now that it was the first week of March. He had never been quite so happy and proud of himself until now. After all, he was the great Yamato Ishida! Secretly afraid and unable to be committed to his many past girlfriends. And now… Matt smiled as he wandered cheerfully down the crowded school corridors.

Damn, it was a crush in here. Everywhere between the lockers and the other side of the hallway was crowded with people, bustling to get past, friends stopping right in the middle to talk to others, and swearing people rudely shoving their way through.

Yet Matt continued to smile to himself.

Because he knew that on the other side of the throng, waiting by the stairs, was his girl.

Tai was doing well. Apparently. It had already been… he had the concentrate fiercely and count on his fingers… around a month- four and a bit weeks… since he'd fallen for his childhood and good friend Sora Takenouchi.

Outside, he had the act completely worked out. By the end of three weeks he had become a pro. At being a brilliant liar and actor. At first, it had been as hard as hell. It was bad that she'd given him a 'Just Friends' Valentine, and it was so bloody hard to hold in his ever-growing feelings every single day. He was torn apart by the fact that Matt had finally found a girl he could hold onto and not dump after two weeks, and that girl was the very one Tai himself had fallen for. But weighing them back and forth inside his heart, he found he couldn't do anything.

So… he hid it. It was so hard and at times… sometimes crucial times, he'd let himself slip- once so much that he really thought Sora, Matt and Mimi had worked it out. But… you know what they say, practice makes perfect, right?

And by now, over all that time of struggling and hiding it desperately, he had it all mastered.

Outside, Tai was brilliant. Nobody would ever suspect a thing. _Good, _he told himself. No-one would ever know. He was normal, he was fine, nothing-no, nothing was different about him at all! He just… sometimes… maybe… avoided Matt a bit more. Okay, try quite a lot more. And especially when he was with Sora.

And Sora, he went to every effort to prevent them being alone together. He talked to her the way you talked to a friend's mates. He smiled at her, the truthful smile, and didn't get into long discussions.

Tai really… had it all covered.

Everything was taken care of. Everything but his inner feelings.

Dammit!! Why was it so hard?!? _At least, _he continued to tell himself every day he went on with his perfect façade, _at least I've got the outside sorted! At least, they can't suspect anything by watching me from outside! _

But… he remembered his 'Practice makes perfect' saying. It had been almost over a month so, why hadn't he fixed up his insides yet? Even now, at least they couldn't notice the coldness in his eyes when he deliberately turned away from them. But even so, inside his heart churned away and hurt more desperately than ever before. It hurt so freaking much, even though he didn't wince in front of them anymore. He avoided their gazes as much as possible, particularly Sora's. He'd found a way of looking at them during conversations without actually looking at them and _seeing _them. It was to protect himself, yeah?

But he imagined the way they would search right through him, their eyes narrowed and desperately searching worriedly for the Tai they once knew.

Tai felt like, on the outside, he had it all set out, all perfectly played out. But on the inside… everything was steadily getting worst and deteriorating, as much as his outside seemed to get better and better.

Tai didn't know it at the time, even though he realized that maybe his heart was aching a little more each day, but his perfect mask was beginning to crack.

---

Mimi watched… every day… as Matt and Sora's perfect relationship grew and grew. She smirked at herself. Huh. Of course. She was right. She was always right. There was nothing the smart-arse know-it-all relationship expert didn't know.

Even when it was an unintended idea, it would work. Of course.

And she knew all this, but even so, she felt like she would break.

---

_FLASHBACK: TWO MONTHS AGO:_

Yamato Ishida was in a foul mood as he stomped up the stairs of the school, his guitar bag slung over his shoulder. His handsome face was disfigured by the frown over it, his teeth bared almost ready to bite off the head of the next person to walk by.

He swore in a long, un-ending string of curse words, one after the other, in his head until he came to a point where he wondered if he should Google for some new words to use. At last, his anger and frustration died down and was replaced with just bitter sadness.

He reached the door to the classroom and as he rested his hand on the doorhandle, he smiled softly to himself. At least, in here there was a girl whose smile he could always appreciate, and whose sincere words would soothe him.

Matt knew she'd be in here. It was late afternoon but she'd be here, finishing off some homework and schoolwork, constantly caught by daydreams.

She looked up as he opened the door, surprised.

He launched straight into his whining, that she expected.

"She broke up with _me_, Mimi, how could she? _I'm _the one who does the breaking up part!! Why did she get to say the final words??" He burst out.

Mimi stared at Matt for a moment, her eyes narrowing. "What?"

Matt crossed his arms as he stood there, just inside the doorway, frowning, pouring everything out in a disjointed and pissed-off tone. "See, I was all firm and strong, like usual! I said, 'I'm breaking up with you,' and she says, 'No you can't because _I'm _breaking up with _you!!_' And then she just runs off and I bet she's off somewhere laughing at me because she friggin' _won_!!"

Mimi was silent. She looked critically at Matt and he met her gaze steadily, challenging her.

She sighed under her breath and looked away, out the window. "Finished venting to me about it yet?" she asked simply.

"…yeah… I guess." He said grumpily as he slowly walked towards her desk. He faced her, sitting down on the desk in front of hers.

Now that the initial fury and annoyance had worn off, Matt let himself talk to her seriously.

"…hey…" he smiled his charming smile to her. "Thanks for listening."

"It's what I do," she answered dryly, frowning at his charming smile, ignoring the redness picking up in her cheeks.

Matt let the guitar bag strap slip from his shoulders so that it fell to the ground, slowly and gently. He turned his face towards the ceiling, "Mimi, why doesn't it ever work out?"

She gazed at his face while he continued searching the ceiling. Her eyes focused on the way his icy-cool eyes seemed the mist over when he was in thought, the way his weary and sad face made him look distant and deep in thought. His voice was being truthful and thoughtful.

Mimi smiled secretly to herself as she looked away at the exact right moment, as Matt looked back towards her. She… should be so proud that she was his friend. Because even though Matt was a popular boy, it was to her that he chose to vent to sometimes.

But even so… even though it was unusual enough for him to show his deeper and more thoughtful side to her, even though it was probably more that she could ever deserve of him… she… secretly longed for him.

"…I don't know," she said truthfully.

Matt sighed. He closed his eyes and said softly, "I'm so sick of this happening every time. It's always the same, every time!! And I don't know what's wrong with me, since it's usually me who doesn't want the commitment, or I just break it off because I'm not happy being with whoever it is. I… I don't understand why… I just can't find a relationship that works for me! What is wrong with me?"

"Maybe… you're just not looking in the right places," Mimi offered half-heartedly.

He was silent and looked at her more intently.

Mimi shrugged, her voice slightly unsure as she spoke. "I mean… the way you're going, Matt, is you just wanna find someone right for you. But… instead of focusing on the qualities you want in someone and looking for that kind of person; you choose to date girls one after the other, hoping that by chance you might happen across someone you can really be devoted to."

She was right. Matt lowered his head and the hopeless expression on his face made Mimi feel so bad for him.

"I just… really wanna find that one person for me," Matt said seriously. "I'm sick of all these pointless relationships…" He paused and then looked at Mimi again. "What should I do, Mimi?"

She blurted out, a bit too strongly, "For crying out loud, Matt! You know what you should do? You should open your eyes and seethe people standing right in front of you!!"

They were silent.

Crap. She'd stuffed up. She shouldn't have said that. That was too loud, too strong, and too desperate. He would… he would know… he'd find out…!!

Mimi's heart fell heavily. Dammit, she was so screwed.

Matt's eyes were wide as he stared in surprise at her. Then slowly his face relaxed again.

She began to talk again, carefully, choosing her words, struggling to the sudden hope growing in her voice.

"Matt… who you need is somebody special who really cares for you… like someone who knows you beyond the good-looking popular musician, someone who you can actually talk to properly… you know… someone who's willing to listen, who truly likes and values you and…" she lowered her gaze to the ground and forced her face to remain its pale colour. "…and could grow to truly love you."

Matt's icy blue eyes were serious as he asked, "…how will I find someone like that? …someone like…"

She paused. Mimi's heart was thudding away crazily in her chest. She couldn't tell him… she couldn't, she couldn't! She should tell him "_me" _but couldn't! It would put a lot of things into jeopardy and she was just too… shy to tell him this way. So she… just couldn't. She was meant to be sincere; honest… but how could she possibly tell him what was truthfully in her heart right now?

Mimi smiled, freezing the bitterness in her heart, her voice sinking in despair as she said quietly:

"…Sora."

**End chapter 7!! Well… that was actually really hard to write, even though I knew what I wanted to get across… I hope you guys thought that was okay… I don't find writing Mimato as easy as writing Taiora, so I always find it delicate and hard to manoeuvre. Tell me what you think! emichii **


	8. I'm gonna regret this!

**Thanks so much for all of your reviews, everybody! I'd love to tell you all personally but I can't reply review because I haven't been able to login to fanfic these last two days. It's a pain!! _ but searching on the web, apparently, I'm not the only having this problem! So… let's hope it'll all be good soon, eh? Thankyou again for all your patience and support! Enjoy chapter 8!! **

**Chapter 8- I'm gonna regret this!! **

It had already been a while. And Tai had somehow managed to hold himself together vaguely well, at least on the outside. Yet for some reason, deep inside, he felt like he was balancing on a tightrope, one wrong step and he'd fall to his death.

He didn't plan on doing this. It had never even crossed his mind, a month ago. But on this particular day, this weekend, as he was walking through the crowded shopping centre, it caught his eyes.

Without realizing just how much he was gonna regret it, he headed closer. And Tai found his huge secret burden grow heavier once more.

---

"Tai!! I need some help!!"

Tai looked over at his best friend with widened eyes. Slowly, as he took in Matt's expression, his mouth stretched wide into a disbelieving and taunting smirk.

"WHAT?" Matt snapped.

The blonde boy's face was chalky white and pale; he looked as though all of his energy had been drained from him. His icy blue eyes were wide and very concerned, and in front of him, his hands were clutched into tight fists, and the knuckles were turning white.

"Okay, okay," Tai laughed lightly and slung his bag over his shoulder, tucking in his chair as he stood up and began to move out of the classroom.

Matt walked close beside him, his voice rising to almost hysterical levels. Tai rolled his eyes and laughed quietly at his friend.

As they walked out through the corridors, Matt confessed, sheepishly, "Tomorrow's White Day, Tai! And I haven't got anything for Sora yet!! I don't know what to get her, Tai? What should I do??"

Tai stared critically at him for a moment, and then slipped his gaze downwards and away from him. A tiny smile tugged at his lips as he said softly, "…you're meant to get her something white, yeah?"

"Yes, I know!" Matt's expression drooped. "But because… for all these years that I've been drowned by Valentine's Day presents, I have never bought any girl a White Day present before! And this time… well, you know… this is the first time I've been with one girl for so long… it's the first time I've felt this way about her and I… I just don't know what to do, Tai!"

Tai was silent, not looking at Matt.

"…Tai?" Matt frowned at him, curious about Tai's silence.

Inside, Tai told himself to breathe in and out deeply and hold it in. _Keep calm, keep calm! It'll pass over soon!! It will! _This… this pain.

"Hey… Matt? You know how you only give them something white because you return their feelings?"

Matt nodded seriously. "Yeah."

Slowly, Tai raised his head and met his best friend's gaze. "You really love her, huh?"

"Yeah." he replied immediately without missing a beat.

Tai smiled. As hard as he could.

"In that case, you'll definitely think of something."

---

On the afternoon of the day before White Day, Tai sank into his wheelie chair at his desk. He refused to even glance at the homework laid out messily on his desk. He sighed heavily and buried his face in his hands as he mulled over what he had stupidly done.

The conversation between him and Matt came back to him.

"_Hey… Matt? You know how you only give them something white because you return their feelings?"_

Tai took a deep breath in and slowly raised his head out of his hands. His sorrowful brown eyes fell on the large pink gift bag sitting on the floor beside him.

---

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no. 5_

"_Sora, I don't get it." _

"_What?" Sora looked over at the thirteen-year-old boy with wide red eyes. _

_He truly looked stumped, being the dense and clueless boy he was. _

_Tai leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his messy brown hair, frowning. "Well… Valentine's Day is when all the girls give chocolate and stuff to the boy that they like, right?" _

_Sora nodded. "Yeah?" _

_The boy swung his chair back so that he was sitting properly and he narrowed his eyes deeper in thought. "Yeah, so on March 14__th__, it's the guys' turn." _

_Sora waited patiently. _

_Tai turned and stared at Sora, "So why are they meant to give the girls' something white? And why's it called White Day?"_

"_They don't _have _to give them something white, Tai," Sora explained. "But what a white present means is that they return the feelings that the girl has for them. The girl gives the guy chocolate because she likes him, right? And if the guy feels the same way, and likes her back, then he returns the favour by giving her something white."_

"…_Oh." Tai looked upwards at the ceiling. "…I see." _

---

On White Day, Matt was proud of what he had gotten Sora. But in presenting it to her, he blushed faintly and shyly placed it into her hands.

Both Sora and Mimi were standing there and watching wide-eyed. They glanced at each other and couldn't help letting out a little squeal.

"Wow! That is so sweet!" Mimi burst out.

Sora's face was bursting with happiness as she beamed at her boyfriend. "Aw, thankyou so much, Matt!"

While the girls gushed at each other over it, Matt looked over at Tai and grinned, sending him a thumbs-up.

Tai smiled back. _I told you that if you really liked her, you'd think of something. So…_

He looked at the beautifully arranged bouquet of white roses in Sora's hands and suddenly had a mental flashback to a long time ago, when Sora had explained to him the significance of white presents for a girl on White Day.

"_Like, for example… someone gives someone a red rose- and that simply tells them that they love them. If that person gives them a white rose back- the white means that they love them too!" _

He remembered the way her voice rose in excitement as Mimi suddenly joined in the conversation, the two excited teen girls talking.

"_I would think that if any boy were to give me a white rose on White Day, it would be so adorable!" _

Mimi's voice had been excited.

"_Yeah…" _Sora's voice had been a little more careful. _"White roses… are so special."_

Tai smirked a little to himself over the memory. And out of the corner of his eye he watched Sora pass the bouquet to Mimi to hold and then wrap her arms around Matt for a long hug.

Tai smiled a bitter smile to himself and then turned away.

---

He avoided her for the rest of the day. He couldn't help feeling stupid and ridiculous even thinking about it. How… stupid he'd been.

Of course! He knew he would just regret it. DUH!!

But…

Even though Matt had been panicky and worried over his White Day present just the day before, he had come out so easily with the perfect present. Matt's present was so romantic and beautiful… why had he even bothered?

…It had only been a 'Just Friends' Valentine anyway.

But that just made everything hurt all the more.

The last bell that announced the end of school rang, and Tai began to head out. He grabbed all of his stuff and started to walk outside. Pausing for just a second at the entrance, he saw the people laughing and talking with each other all around him. He could so easily see the victims of the love epidemic, they were the easiest to recognize.

A guy and a girl, permanently attached in some way- either holding hands, each other, or kissing.

…White Day was just as bad as Valentine's.

He felt like the large pink gift bag in his hand was burning his fingers off, slowly, one by one. Dammit, it all felt so stupid compared to Matt and his beautiful white roses.

And at that moment, he felt someone tap him on the back. As he turned around, he saw the white roses once again and he felt his stomach drop.

"…Sora?"

Sora smiled her pretty smile. Then it vanished and her face became worried. "…Tai… I guess I… I mean, well, I hardly even saw you today! I'm…" She frowned as her fingers tightened on her bouquet. "…I worried about you."

He stared at her wide-eyed and felt his heart warm up.

"Are you avoiding me?" She stared up at him, red eyes searching.

Tai smiled lightly, sheepishly. He looked away from her for a moment and admitted, lied: "I'm sorry, Sora… I didn't get you a White Day present. Even though you gave me a Valentine."

Sora paused. She looked up at him and smiled. "It's okay! That's nothing to worry about! It was only a 'Just Friends' Valentine!"

But just hearing those words come out of her mouth… It pained Tai so much. He couldn't bear it.

Scowling with embarrassment and flushing, he clumsily pulled out the pink gift bag from behind him and burst out, "No, actually, I did get you something."

Sora looked at the bag, her eyes wide, and then pulled out the huge white teddy bear.

Tai lowered his head and said, "Sorry it's not as romantic or beautiful and cool as Matt's roses. It's so… childish and lame compared to-"

But Sora lifted the bear up and hugged it tight in her arms, looking at Tai from around the huge white bear's head.

"No, Tai, I love it!!" She smiled, so bright it stunned Tai.

"Because as beautiful as Matt's roses are, they won't last forever. But, Tai, this will!!"

Tai felt his heart quicken with both pain and happiness at the same time.

Sora grinned again, a little cheekily. "Besides, you know my mum owns a florist!"

And he didn't care that Sora could've been saying all those things just to make him feel better and because they were friends. And he felt the growing dread in his stomach remind him just how deep he was in, telling him just how much he would absolutely regret this. But right now, he didn't care.

To see her smile like that, he'd buy her all the teddy bears in Odaiba.

**You can buy soft toys in florists too. Anyway, I've been waiting for this chapter for so long! It had been planned since the Valentine's Day chapter in Chapter 3!! I really, really love this chapter! I'm very proud of it! So I hope you all liked it as well! Please review, everybody, so that I can write more! emichii! ^_^ **


	9. I Might Not Come Back

**Hi everybody! Thanks for reading and thanks for all the reviews! Here's chapter nine!! Heh heh, I know I've dug myself an enormous hold with the sorato currently occurring so… there's no telling how long it might take for me to turn the story around. But hang in there, everyone!! ^_^ Hope you enjoy chapter 9!! **

It had been one and a half months since Sora and Matt began dating.

**Outta Control by emichii:**

**Chapter 9- I Might Not Come Back**

Matt smiled vaguely as he felt her fingers press into his back. He pretended to sigh and be annoyed with her as he threw his books into the locker and closed the door. Then, turning towards her, he wrapped his arms around her and laughed.

Sora's giggling against his chest tickled. Matt chuckled as he continued to hold her, looking over the top of her head.

His blue eyes wandered through the crowded hallways around the lockers, lazily sifting through the many students and people wandering around. Suddenly, he recognized the pretty girl moving along with the crowd filling up the corridor. Her pink hair contrasted greatly to the average colours of everybody else. She was pushed along by the crowd, but she held on tightly to her books and carried on her way.

Matt was still. He stared at her, watching the girl silently. She was girly, giggly, talkative and very confident. She was always laughing and chattering to her numerous friends. She was well-liked and popular, she was friendly, and she was nice, sincere and always helpful.

But now, as he watched her struggling to get through the crowd, it was a helpless girl that he saw. It just… made him want to pull her out of the mess and tuck her under his arm, where he knew he could keep her safe.

He was startled suddenly as she looked over and past the immense crowd at him. Her eyes staring straight at him. It shocked both of them, the way they stared at each other. She was immediately embarrassed, looked away and ducked her head.

He found disappointment sweeping over him as she looked away from him. And he bit his lip and tightened his arms around his girlfriend in front of him.

"…Matt?" Sora looked up at him, frowning. "Matt, you haven't said anything for a while. Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"

---

Tai was going through skills and drills with his soccer team. He was the soccer captain, and he watched over carefully as he and his teammates passed the ball back and forth to each other. The coach stood nearby, watching as well, though he knew Taichi Kamiya was a good leader and a fantastic soccer captain. He didn't need to worry at all; he could leave the warming-up and drills to him.

Soccer training was a good distraction.

He went through sprints back and forth down the field. He didn't get tired very easily, his soccer boots pounding an even rhythm across the green grass. As he ran, his heart beat in time with his steps and his mind and thoughts were kind of blank and dull.

Even so, as he went on with this mindless running and pacing, he found that the thoughts were impossible to keep out. He couldn't stop the way the doubts kept creeping in; he knew how he was incredibly troubled.

_I… I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm stuck somewhere in the dark, with no torch, with no map and completely and absolutely alone. _

Things hadn't been going too well. Even though he'd tried so hard to keep everything within his control, he couldn't. He already knew that he'd lost all control a month ago. It was getting harder and harder. Every day was an inner battle inside.

He loved Sora. But he also cared for Matt, his very best friend. Yet every time he saw them together, it hurt. But every time he saw one of them, even without the other, it hurt too. That meant… maybe he should just leave them alone, ditch them completely, and never see them again.

But… he couldn't do that.

He'd been quite distant with Sora recently, going to great lengths just to avoid her. Even when they were together, he kept the questions and talk shallow and polite. Yet no matter what he did, what he tried, inside… he couldn't stop the pain from hurting.

_I'm tired. I'm really… getting tired of all this… I…_

"Captain! Can we stop running now? We've run twenty-three laps!!"

Tai blinked, as he tuned back into the real world. "Oh… yeah." he muttered to himself. He slowed down and sent a bright grin to his team. "Come in, guys!"

---

He hadn't talked to her properly in over a month. He missed her.

The corridors were empty now, school was over. He ambled slowly through the halls, his blue eyes drifting lazily past him, even though he was actually searching for her. He heard the sound of a locker door slamming shut and a lock being put hastily on it. He quickened his pace towards the sound.

She was standing there at the locker, her long pink hair falling past her shoulders. She jerked suddenly at his arrival, looking up in alarm. Her face fell almost immediately, she looked disappointed, even disgusted.

"Matt?" Mimi frowned at the blonde boy. She tried a smile. "What's up? Why are you still here at school?"

He struggled for words. He never struggled for words. "I… I just…"

She smiled now, properly, a light confident smile that she always had on, for the school community, for her large group of friends. It looked strange to him, almost forced.

"Well, I had to come back for a book I forgot. Can't do my assignment without it, you know?" She nodded her head politely at him, too politely for a close friend and started to walk off. "See you tomorrow, Matt."

She barely made any distance before Matt turned after her and said loudly, "Mimi!"

She seemed to pause before she turned around and sighed lightly at him. She looked impatient. "Yeah?"

This was so weird. The atmosphere, this… tension between them was unbearable. They had… they had been unexpectedly close friends before. Once. She was the one who always smiled for him, always listened to him when he had things to tell her, when he had relationships that went wrong to complain about. She always laughed lightly and chuckled with her shoulders trembling when he told her things he was secretly embarrassed about.

He didn't get it. He never would've admitted it before, but their friendship had been one that he really treasured. How come… over this last month it had changed so much? How come he barely had time to talk to her properly anymore? How come it became so hard to even find her?

It wasn't like she'd been deliberately avoiding him, right?

She tapped her foot, breaking him out of his thoughts. She frowned slightly, her arms crossed, a book held between the fingers of one hand.

"Mimi," he said seriously, walking towards her. "I… I haven't talked to you in ages. And I just…"

She didn't look at him, sighing softly. "Yeah, I guess."

They were silent.

Mimi spoke up, awkwardly. "Well… I'm glad to see that you and Sora are still together and getting along better than ever." She smiled again, and although it was not as forced as before, there was some pain visible in it. "Haha… it must be really nice for you to finally find someone just for you!"

He was quiet as he smiled somewhat weakly. "Yeah…"

There was another awkward pause.

She smiled cheerfully and said, "Anyway, I've got to go now. I'll see you tomorrow, okay, Matt?"

"…see you," he offered half-heartedly.

She turned and left, as soon as he was out of her vision, her cheerful smile vanished and her teeth clenched as she tried to hold it in. She couldn't stop the way it hurt so much inside.

---

He had his gear bag slung casually over one shoulder, his school bag on his back. Tai walked away from school, down the busy street of shops towards home. There was a bit of a chill in the air, but he didn't really notice it; he was warmed up from his training.

The people bustled around him, schoolgirls in groups of four and five, chattering and giggling as they looked at the objects on display in shops. There were a couple of businessmen and businesswomen, making their way home after work. A group of boys were crowded around the videogame arcade. And from through an alleyway there came the usual spilling of 6pm train riders coming in from the station. And of course… Tai rolled his eyes. There were the couples, as usual, you couldn't go anywhere without seeing them.

A boy and a girl, smiling at each other, holding hands. Or maybe with their arms around each other. _Of for crying out loud!! _Tai thought bitterly. _What is wrong with this world?? Why does everybody always have to look so disgustingly in love??_

He thought of Matt and Sora. They were always together, between classes, during breaks, before school. The way they looked at each other and smiled, the way just the simple glances between them always seemed like affectionate. And bloody hell, it hurt.

Sora… he had not seen her today.

Well, that was a lie.

He had seen her. He just hadn't talked to her. Or nodded in greeting. Or waved.

He hadn't talked to her since the day before- since White Day. And even then, he'd been kind of speechless. How was he supposed to know! How was he supposed to mentally prepare himself when he had no idea she'd throw him that beautiful bright smile? He had no idea that she would hug that big white teddy bear, smile at him from behind it and tell him in her sweet voice that she loved the White Day present.

Tai sighed a deep sigh to himself as he scuffed his shoes along the pavement. I don't know… I'm totally lost… I'm so screwed.

He lifted up his head and let his gaze travel along the shops beside him.

Hairdresser's, bakery, video rental…

He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so tired, so weary. How long had it been now? Since he'd crashed into that goalpost, lost himself and fallen in love with his childhood friend? How long had it been since he'd struggled with these feelings, since he tried to hide them and keep these ever growing feelings of love to himself? How long had it been since he'd tried to avoid her, tried to be normal, act normal?

Fruit shop, Asian groceries, music store…

Gee… he wondered how Matt must be feeing. He always seemed so lucky, the blonde musician… he had the world at his fingertips! He was talented, popular, and had Sora as his girlfriend. Tai remembered the days when Matt was exhausted, sick of everything simply because he couldn't commit to any relationship. But now… Matt had no worries… right?

Something like self-pity, self-hatred and disgust at himself dawned on Tai.

ARGH!! What kind of best friend am I?? Matt has finally found someone that makes him happy? Why… why am I so sad about it? Why do I have to keep longing for someone who I know can't be mine??

His feet moved almost robotically through the streets, automatically dodging the crowds, the people.

Newspaper stand… convenience store…

…Florist…

Tai stopped. His brown eyes were focused on the store front, he paused there, the only one standing still amongst the moving crowd. He swore at himself for stopping. The people behind him brushed past, everybody moving along, everyone with somewhere to go, something to do.

His fingertips rested on the clean glass. He stood there; he watched, silently, the sounds and noises of the shopping district buzzing around him.

The passing bunch of schoolgirls marvelled at the handsome brown-haired soccer player standing out the front of the florist, the way his eyes were kind of sorrowful and how he seemed lost in thought.

He ignored everybody.

Inside the shop, near the counter, she stood. Her red eyes sparkled with the knowledge that work was ending for her. She expertly arranged the flowers against the wall; she finished off the bouquet, curling the ribbons with an open pair of scissors.  
A workmate standing behind the counter said something and she laughed in reply as she packed up.

Sora felt happy as she turned away from the flowers, and reached behind her to untie her apron, looking towards the shop front. She froze, her red eyes widened.

The boy standing outside was stunned, and the pain that flickered across his face was heartbreaking. His dark brown eyes narrowed and hardened as he abruptly turned away, his gear bag swinging wildly from his shoulder.

"Tai!" She found herself running out the shop, running out onto the pavement, standing there, searching the moving crowd for him.

Sora stood there, her eyes desperately staring out the front past the people.

He was there, breaking into a run. His head resolutely held to the front, not looking back, with no plans to. His bag swung hard against his side as he ran and it hurt, but he didn't care. He ran harder and harder, faster and faster.

She didn't understand.

Their eyes had met for a moment back there, her inside the shop, him outside. Why? If he wanted to see her, he should've come right in. If he hadn't, he should've just walked past. Why…

She didn't get it. She didn't understand it at all.

Why did that look flicker across his face? Why did his eyes hold in so much pain, so much bitterness and so much sadness?

He moved. He left. He vanished. He disappeared into the distance, lost forever within the tide of faces and moving bodies.

Sora had seen his running form a lot. But why was it that this month, she'd been watching him running away from her so many times?

Her heart ached and she bit her lip to direct the pain elsewhere. She clutched one of her arms tightly as she lowered her gaze to the ground.

"…Tai…" she murmured to herself, softly. Even saying his name seemed to hurt.

So… it wasn't the first time she'd seen him run from her. It wasn't the first time she'd seen him look so hurt, so sorrowful. It wasn't the first time she didn't understand.

But this time, everything was so much more intense, so much more painful. Almost as though he had already resigned himself to the fact that this time, after he ran away, he might not come back.

**Sorry… it was a bit of a… hmm… unpurposeful chapter, I guess? I spent most of my writing energy and inspiration on the chapter for my other current fic "Your Bandages". So… anyway, this fic has reached the point where things get twisted and serious. Those of you who have read my work before, those of you familiar with my taioras will know what I mean. From here on in, things are really getting messy. Ha! emichii. **


	10. How to cure a Bad Day

**Hey, thanks for all the reviews, everyone! Glad you guys are all so into the story! ^_^ Here's chapter 10! I hope you all enjoy and please review so that I can write more, okay? **

**Chapter 10- How to cure a Bad Day**

When Tai walked out of school at the end of the next day, he saw her.

She was sitting on the brick wall that surrounded the school, looking out into the streets outside the high school. She was just sitting there, and amidst the bustling students milling around outside and going their separate ways, she looked so alone.

He paused at the school gate. He could see her but she couldn't see him. And inside, he was divided. He was intrigued and worried by the way she just sat there, yet he didn't want to get too close.

He tightened his grip on the bag strap over his shoulder and glanced towards the direction of home. Tai felt something inside his stomach tighten as he fatally turned his head back towards the girl sitting alone on the wall. His brown eyes darkened as he sighed inwardly. No… he just couldn't get away from her… he couldn't stop caring about her, no matter how hard he tried. Even when he tried to avoid her, she was always there. When he tried to get over her, she was always there, constantly in his mind, in his heart and it killed.

_Damn this all, _he thought to himself wearily. _I'm so sick of all of this… but I don't know if it'll ever truly be over. Everything… it's all…_

He let himself gaze at her sadly as his heart fell. _…completely out of my control._

But he loved her. He really, truly loved her.

He loved her more than he was allowed to. She was much more than a best friend to him now, and he didn't know what to do about it.

Tai knew that this could hurt. He knew that he'd taken enough beatings inside recently; it was hard enough watching Sora and Matt together, and having to smile and be happy for his two best buddies.

He wondered why Sora was alone this afternoon and recalled faintly the time she was waiting outside for Matt. He remembered how she'd wanted to give Matt something to eat in case he was hungry, and how he'd so stupidly offered to bring it up to him. That had hurt.

But this time… was it different?

She didn't appear to be waiting for anyone. She was just sitting there.

Tai took in a deep breath. _It's okay for me to talk to her. It's okay for me to ask her what's up. It's okay… because we're just friends! _

---

Sora's red eyes were settled on the ground and she kept her face lowered, unwilling to look up. Her shoulders were slumped over and she was just miserable–looking.

"…hey, Sora."

She looked up in surprise. Tai thought for sure that her face would fall with disappointment that it was just him, but it didn't. Instead, she offered him a weak, but still truthful smile.

"Hey, Tai."

Her red-gold hair was messy as it fell over her face and her eyes. She said nothing else.

Tai paused for a moment uncomfortably standing in front of her and then stood beside her, looking out into the street, leaning back on the wall.

He tried to remember back to what it used to be like between them. What it used to be like when it was all carefree and simple, when they were just two good friends without anything deep to worry about. Back when they could just talk and laugh things off and be easygoing and relaxed with each other.

He'd noticed that these days… everything between them had been so edgy and forced.

Tai spoke up, "What's up?"

She was quiet for a moment. She laughed softly to herself as she tried to brush away the strands of hair continually in her eyes. "I… I've just had a bad day, that's all."

_What do you mean, 'that's all'? A bad day is a bad day! And it doesn't just go for you, it goes for everyone! A bad day can make anyone feel like crap… you don't have to brush it off so slightly! _

He lifted his head up awkwardly and studied the clear sky above him, feeling his face heat up a bit. "Do you… wanna talk about it?"

She looked up in surprise at him for a moment, since recently he'd barely looked at her or even greeted her.

"You don't have to if you don't wanna," he added, shrugging as he ran a hand absentmindedly through his messy brown hair.

His awkward but honest words reached her and made her feel a tiny bit better. He wasn't very good at this comforting thing, but he was trying. Sora smiled hopelessly.

They were silent.

From around them, even the background seemed to fade away and they seemed to be existing in their own space. The bright colours and sounds around them, the students and teenagers rushing around, their laughter and ruckus all seemed to blur and fade away. It seemed peaceful to be just there. To be just them, right there, even in the silence. It was… almost haunting for Tai, to find being beside the cause of all his pain comforting.

Sora swung her legs against the wall, stopping each time just before her heels would hit the wall. She sighed and said, "…yeah, I guess… it's just been a bad day for me." She paused as though gathering her thoughts up and rearranging them so that they would make sense before she went on. "…sometimes we have those days, you know. Where everything just seems to be crap and nothing goes the way it should… it makes you feel… so helpless."

Tai looked down at the ground, at his feet. He totally knew what it felt like. He'd felt like that for the past month, dammit.

"Last night I had a fight with my mum and it was pretty ugly," she said, making her voice very casual. "We're not talking to each other and I don't wanna show up to work in the flower shop today. I… I don't want to."

"Sounds pretty crap," Tai offered and she nodded, still smiling her tiny smile.

The smile disappeared as she frowned, her eyebrows crumpling delicately over concerned red eyes. Sora went on, softly, "I kinda failed a couple of my tests and got really bad marks for a recent assignment. I had trouble getting my locker open and was late to some classes, and I left some of my books at home. But… they're all… really trivial and unimportant things, huh?"

Tai wanted to say something to comfort her. _It doesn't matter if they're trivial or not! If you had a bad day, it's okay to be bummed out about it and sad. Everyone has their off days, Sora, it's okay!!_

But he said nothing.

Her gaze drifted even lower and her shoulders slumped over, making her look even smaller and more miserable. Her hair fell all over her eyes again.

"…Mimi." she said suddenly.

"Huh?" He was confused. Was she so out of it that she thought he was Mimi?

"I'm really worried about her," she said, her voice delicate. She wouldn't look at him, but her eyes were squeezed shut and her voice broke a little, sounding like she had tears in her throat. She spoke a little louder, but the tearfulness never left her voice. "…I feel like she's been acting different recently. I feel like she can't talk to me properly or that she has something really heavy and troubling that she can't tell me. And I feel like I'm a failure as a best friend to her or something!! She keeps smiling at me and everything, but sometimes she can't even meet my gaze! And especially for me today… she was busy today and kept having to rush off and do something… I don't know but it shouldn't bother me so much… she was just busy today but I… I _needed _her. 'cause I've had such a crap day."

Tai was silent as he tried to remember the last time he'd spoken to Mimi. That girl… the bubbly pink-haired girl _had _been rushing around a lot recently. He felt sorry for Sora but the lump in his throat kept growing.

He knew… that because he was here with Sora and he was her only comforter right now… that eventually _he'd _come up. He was actually a little surprised that she hadn't already mentioned him.

His heart twisted and turned in a painful way as he considered what might have happened between them. There was no way he could be happy if they had a fight, if they broke up or weren't getting along. There was no way he could be happy if they were still together, lovey-dovey and sickeningly happy together. There was no way he could win.

So he said, "…What about Matt?"

As soon as his best friend's name came out of his mouth, his heart hurt and stung so much it was all he could to do to keep from wincing. For some reason, Sora didn't even really respond to Matt's name, neither freezing, nor looking sad or happy.

She lifted her head up and stared out into the somewhat faded and unimportant streets and colours outside of their little peaceful space. "…oh." she said.

She turned and smiled at him, and her smile was so dazzling and beautiful that Tai was stunned and frozen. Yet he read the forcefulness behind it and he worried.

"Don't worry, Tai," her voice seemed far away. "I'm not mistreating your best friend."

_No, you stupid moron, Sora!!_

"N-no," he started as he stared at her.

She was surprised by the serious intensity in his eyes.

"Is he… Is Matt treating you all right? You guys are… still getting along really well, right?"

Her voice seemed distant and absentminded again. "Yeah,"

He sighed with relief but inside the panic and hysteria suddenly came up inside him so fast he thought he would vomit.

"But… he… may have contributed a little to the way I'm feeling right now," she whispered.

He listened.

"It's not like he meant to be rude or seem to push me away, he… must've been busy and stressed today. You know," her voice rose a little, forcibly brighter, "With all the work he's been doing with composing and his band and gigs and stuff, no wonder he's stressed!" Sora's voice fell again. "But… he kinda… seemed to ignore me today. He was a bit out of it… It made me feel really lonely… kinda like I'd been ditched."

She looked away from Tai deliberately. "Maybe I was asking too much. Of course he has his own things to worry about and I'm just being selfish by thinking too much about it. But maybe I…" she stared critically at the ground, staring past the reddish hair falling in front of her eyes. "…I just wanted him to make it all better."

Tai was silent. They both were as they fell back into a somewhat bewildered but comforting peace, as the world seemed to pass them by on the streets.

He wanted to help her, he wanted to say something to make her feel better, but didn't know what to say or how to act. She was having a very crappy day, and when he thought about it, when he had bad days it didn't always help when people bugged you to tell you about them. And it wasn't always helpful when they tried to be sympathetic, when they mulled over your problems for you, when sometimes you preferred for them to just drop it and mind their own business. Maybe she would prefer it if he just left her alone. But… maybe she just needed him to stand there and… be himself. Just be there, unlike her two other friends who weren't there.

---

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no.6: _

_Tai was having a crap day. He grumbled and swore under his breath to himself as he stood up from his desk, kicked his chair in and stomped out the classroom. As he viciously swung the locker door open and let it bang loudly, he heard the footsteps coming up behind him._

_He held in his urge to growl at whoever it was. It's not like it was their fault, but bloody hell, he'd just had the worse day!_

_He struggled to hold in his composure. _

"_Tai," she greeted him, standing there behind him. She smiled, her bright red eyes shining as usual. _

"_Hey," his voice turned out hoarse. _

_The eighth-grade girl frowned slightly. "Are you all right? Have you had a bad day?" _

_He grumbled under his breath and closed the locker door loudly, turning around to face her with somewhat angry and frustrated brown eyes, and leaning against the lockers._

"…_what happened?" she attempted._

_He looked away and sighed. "Don't wanna talk about it." _

_Her face fell just a little. "Well… ah… yeah, sometimes you don't wanna talk about it. That's okay!" she smiled a little and paused, dropping her gaze from his._

_They were quiet for a moment. Tai felt kinda bad for not wanting to tell her about his day. He just didn't feel like it, okay? He wasn't the kind of person who wanted to lump all of his problems on somebody else, even when they wanted to know. _

"_Hey…" she said suddenly, looking up brightly at him. "You know what makes you feel better on a bad day?" _

"…_what?" he asked._

---

Tai was desperate for something to say. Even though Sora didn't seem to mind the silence.

As he racked for something to say, something to make her laugh, some way to make her feel better and cheer her up.

"Hey…" he spoke up. "You know what makes you feel better on a bad day?"

She was surprised.

---

"_What?" Tai looked at her in shock. He grunted a little and looked at the ground, trying to hide the blush that spread over his face. "Th-that's dumb!" _

_Her face was also slightly red, but her voice and smile was still bright. She was so sincere as she went on. "…well… I dunno… when I have a bad day, it really cheers me up… when someone who cares-"_

---

He didn't know how the thought even came into his head. It just seemed to pop up as he was thinking so desperately.

"Well…"

---

_Tai was embarrassed. He scowled at her and snapped, "That's stupid, Sora! There's no way… it's not gonna make me feel any better… dammit."_

_And he straightened up and turned away from her, walking away. _

_She felt her heart drop heavily and she stared after him, embarrassed and a little hurt._

_Tai felt so bad. He felt so guilty for brushing her off so rudely. It's just… his heart was jumping out of his chest with her little comment and his face was burning. It wasn't even like her idea had been that bad._

---

"_Sometimes when you have a bad day, the only thing that can make you feel better is a hug!" _

The distant words from a long ago memory burned in his mind.

Dammit, he was embarrassed.

Sora was sitting on the wall, looking over at him with wide eyes, bewilderment on her face.

He stood up from his leaning position on the wall and shoved his hands into his pockets, deliberately not looking at her. His cheeks burned a little as he glared down with embarrassment at the pavement.

"Sometimes… when you have a bad day," Tai muttered, "the only thing that can make you feel any better… is a… hug."

Her red eyes widened even more. She stared at him, looking unsure. She half-chuckled. "Really?"

Tai sighed and stood there, his back to the street. Inside, he knew it already. Everything, as twisted and out of control as it had already been was getting worse by the second. And it was all his fault. He… should not have said that.

Sora looked down at the ground. "…okay."

And Tai looked at her, his brown eyes searching desperately, the sadness behind them evident to her for just a second. He reached out and pulled her towards him by the shoulders, hugging her tightly. She was surprised for just a moment, bewildered, her eyes open as her face rested in his chest and then slowly she closed them and squeezed them tightly, allowing the tears she had been trying to hold in so hard to slip out. And she hugged him back, her heart seeming to loosen and let go of all the weights she'd been carrying today.

He couldn't let her see the way that she wasn't the only one with pain inside right now. Right now… even though he had her in his arms… he hurt. But at least… he smiled grimly to himself and closed his eyes wearily, tightening his arms around the girl he couldn't have. At least… he could tell by the slight trembling of her shoulders and the hiccups escaping that she was letting go of the bad day now. So at least, as a best friend, he'd helped her feel better.

And Tai stood there, still, letting her cry her heart out as the people and crowd and time around them passed by.

**So… there you go. Chapter 10! Uhh… what did you think of it? I hope you liked it! Please tell me what you thought and review!! emichii! **


	11. My head really hurts!

**Hey everybody!! I want to say thankyou to all of you for your support and reviews! I'm currently incredibly busy so it's harder and harder for me to get these chapters written and out each week. I have assignments and projects piling up along with normal commitments, so thanks for the patience, everyone! I promise to do my best!! Here's chapter 11! Hope you enjoy and please review! **

**Chapter 11- My head really hurts!! **

It had been almost two months since Matt and Sora had been dating. It had been almost one and a half moths since Tai had hit his head on the goalpost and realized with shock that he was in love with Sora Takenouchi, the one girl his best mate Matt had ever been able to be committed to for so long.

Damn it all. It was doing his head in.

---

On Saturday morning, Matt ran into Mimi at the park.

She was surprised to see him and tried to smile casually at him and then hurry off, afraid of what might happen if she was with him alone.

"Mimi." his tone was sullen and he frowned at her.

She faltered as she held his gaze. He wanted answers, explanations. He knew that something was up and that she couldn't just run off without giving him what he wanted. He probably… she thought, just wanted to talk. Maybe he actually depended on these conversations with her to keep himself in a good mood.

What was the point? He liked to talk about himself, about his problems and what annoyed him. He came to her to vent his worries and she was listened, like a good friend should. He thought of her as some kind of counsellor, someone who had answers, who could give him advice and help him. And the truth was she didn't know. Heck, she didn't know _anything! _She couldn't help anyone, let alone herself! She didn't know all the answers! She didn't!

But she never gave back. She wouldn't tell him about herself, her own problems. Even Sora, her best friend, didn't seem to know her anymore. Well… whatever, she told herself sullenly. Sora was too busy being happy and in love with Matt. She… didn't have to say anything. She didn't have to reveal her own pains and worries to anybody but herself. She could just hide it all; she could shake her head, shrug her shoulders and brush it off. She should be worried, she figured. These days, her retreating and hurrying off was getting more obvious and people were starting to shoot her strange looks. She better tread carefully from now on, or else they might know.

She offered Matt a weak smile. His serious face finally broke into a smile.

But… she couldn't hide it forever… _he _was the cause for her problems and pain.

---

They sat on a quiet bench in the park, shadowed by the tall tree stretching it branches out over their heads. She was uncomfortable as she sat on the very end of the bench, not looking at him, her hands in her lap. He kind of looked straight out ahead of him, as though trying to find a way to start. His hands were at his side and they were very large and broad; Mimi found herself staring at them. The tips of his fingers were worn from playing guitar.

What was it that he wanted to talk to her about anyway? He had no problems anymore; he was the happiest guy in Yr 10.

She wasn't going to start saying anything; she kept her mouth stubbornly closed. He'd started this whole thing; he should do something about it.

"…Sora and I are still together," he told her.

"Uh-huh," she replied, feigning disinterest.

He stared down at the ground. "I don't know…" he frowned, looking really stumped.

"You should have nothing to worry about," Mimi said, somewhat sharply. "Valentine's Day is over and Christmas is at the end of the year and it's not her birthday yet.

At once, inside she felt horrible. What a way to talk about her best friend! She… loved Sora, she did. It's just… there was this bitterness inside her that was eating away at her and lots of it was directed towards Sora. It wasn't even Sora's fault; Mimi thought guiltily, it was her own fault. She was the one that brought Matt and Sora together.

Matt looked at her, his forehead creasing.

Mimi forced a smile. "You guys must be really happy together,"

He found his heart falling. Why? Those were the words he especially did not want to hear from this pink-haired girl beside him.

Suddenly, he grew angry. He straightened up and glared at her, she stared back at him with surprise. The words flew out of his mouth, sharp and frustrated, what he'd been struggling with, the one problem constantly on his mind, what he'd inwardly been struggling to work out. "What's happened to us, Mimi?"

She was stunned. "What?" her voice was quiet and confused.

His knuckles were white and as he clenched his fists and spat out the words angrily. He didn't want to be this furious with his friend, but he'd had enough. He was sick of this.

"What's happened to us?" He repeated, louder. "Why's it like this?"

"What are you talking about?" her own voice grew shriller. "Why do you keep saying 'us'? There is no 'us'!!"

Matt didn't understand why he suddenly gasped in a sharp intake of air. Her words _"There is no 'us'!!" _seemed to hit him in the stomach, hard. He felt terrible. Why was he suddenly bowled over like that, why did he feel like someone had just punched him in the stomach. What was 'us'? What was it like between him and Mimi?

He shouldn't be this angry, this wound up and frustrated! He was meant to be happy, happier than he'd ever been before, because Mimi had helped him with his problems, given him advice. He was with the one girlfriend that he really liked, and they'd been together for so much longer than all his other relationships. But he was so frustrated.

"What is with you, Mimi?" he burst out, "Why are you always running away from me and the others? Why don't you ever talk heaps like you used to? Why don't you blab on about your own life like before? Why are you always in such a rush going somewhere? What is it that you always have to do? Why are you… like this??"

She blinked in surprise at him and her heart began going at double the fast speed it normally was around him. She played ignorant. "What?"

He slowed down now, embarrassed at having burst out like that. But his cold blue eyes remained angry. "What is this… this _awkwardness _between us now? Why's it like this?"

Mimi started to argue. "What '_awkwardness'_? You're the one who always says you want to talk to me and when I do stop to listen, you have nothing to say!"

"Exactly!! When you _do stop _to listen! Why do you have to stop to listen to me now?"

Mimi threw up her hands in exasperation. "I do have my own life, you know! I'm not just here for the great Matt Ishida to vent his life's problems to me! I have my own problems and things to worry about, you know!"

Then just after she'd exclaimed that, she realized that she had admitted she had problems and worries.

"If you have problems and things you worry about, then it's okay to tell them to your friends!!" Matt fired back at her.

Mimi didn't know what to say back. So she just sat there in furious silence.

Matt's voice grew quieter. "It's not like we haven't noticed, Mimi. We can tell there's something up."

She felt too tired to argue. "…there's nothing up," she muttered.

"Yeah, right." Matt grumbled.

Mimi got fired up again. Her eyes flashed with anger at her best friend's boyfriend. "You're the one who has problems and you know it! That's why you're here to complain to me about them again!"

Matt opened his mouth to respond, but Mimi cut him off.

"I don't get why you keep trying to talk to me," she exclaimed. "Don't you know it can't be like before? You have a _girlfriend_, Matt, one that you actually _love_? You don't spend time desperately trying to engage in conversation with another girl! And speaking of what it was like, there was nothing between us before anyway!! We were just… us…" her words became more confused as she tried to explain. "Just us… struggling to make sense of all the crap that happens. Just… friends of some sort."

"Well, why don't you want to talk to me anymore?"

Because it friggin' hurts.

"I don't know!"

She did know.

"…it's different," she tried to say. "Feels like I shouldn't… be in the way or something. You're dating my best friend, Matt, and I won't let you hurt her."

"…can't we just talk… like friends do?" he asked, frowning at her.

It wasn't easy for her to even hold in her secret hurt, how could she handle it all the time like this?

She looked away. "…I don't know."

There was silence. Finally, she raised her face up again, and said in an even tone. "I just don't understand why you need to talk to me so much. You and Sora are in love, right? She'd understand so much better than I would about anything you worry about!"

He dropped his head. "It's different."

She found her responding to his words like she used to. "Why?"

"I don't know."

Nobody ever knew.

Matt sighed. Mimi sighed.

She spoke up, slowly. "You shouldn't have any worries. Your life is just about perfect right now. Especially since you and Sora got together, much to my fantastic matchmaking, I might add." she smiled slightly.

Matt didn't smile though. He gazed at the ground. "Mm."

"You've been together for almost two months and you two get along so well. …I'm glad for you guys." she told him.

He didn't answer.

They sat in silence.

"…you…" she lifted her head to look at him. "You love her, don't you?"

He held her gaze for an unbearably long time. Her eyes were a little tired looking, and blank, as though she'd just been stating the obvious. His eyes shifted with a bit of uncertainty before looking down.

He took his time replying. "… I don't know. Maybe."

So they just sat there, in the strange silence. But it wasn't quite as tense and uncomfortable as it had first been. The anger and frustration of their argument faded away and left them there, just seated there, both with thoughts too big and complicated for the other to understand.

---

It was Monday and Tai managed to act like himself, only just. He was at the end of his wits, dangling on the end of the line. Not sure when he would really and truly be lost.

He smiled at the right moments and at the right people, made the normal comments and pulled the usual faces. But everything seemed so out of place and unreal.

As he pushed his way through the bustling crowd in the corridors and to his locker, he spotted Sora standing at her locker, fiddling with the lock and carrying a big armful of books. He accidentally let himself watch her for too long, that when she suddenly turned, he had to look away so fast he almost pulled a neck muscle.

He cursed under his breath and flushing bright red with embarrassment, tried to get out of sight as fast as he could.

Sora smiled at him during lunch break and he couldn't bring himself to return it. She was much happier today, holding hands with Matt, everything must've worked out. He felt faintly relieved that she was better now, but secretly wouldn't have minded having another excuse to hug her again. No, not really. He must be getting so out of control that he was making stupid jokes at his own demise.

_I shouldn't have done that. _He thought.

The empty space between his arms seemed huge after he'd let her go and he seemed so cold. But there was nobody but himself to hug him and assure him things would be okay and keep him warm.

But he didn't think things were going to be okay.

"Hey Tai," Matt raised a hand in greeting to him and Tai smiled back at him. Sora smiled a very bright smile to him from beside Matt and Tai's heart hurt. He should've been thrilled that she was smiling that gorgeous bright smile just for him, but it just hurt him more.

So, to Sora's surprise and Matt's suspicion he turned away from them both.

He didn't turn around fast enough, because Matt critically felt the way Sora's hand grew limp in his, and caught the flicker of sadness and hurt in Tai's dark brown eyes.

---

That afternoon, Matt was heading out of school and towards home when he saw something terrible. His face paled as he sped up and ran out onto the soccer field.

"TAI! For crying out loud, what the hell are you doing??"

Tai stopped banging his head on the goalpost. "Huh? Oh, it's you, Matt."

"What are you doing??" He demanded.

Tai shrugged carelessly as he seemed to wander away from the goalpost. "I dunno. My head hurts."

Matt wanted to explode. "Of course it frigging hurts! You were banging it on the goalpost!"

"Uh-huh."

Matt didn't understand why Tai seemed to be acting loopier than usual. He frowned at his best friend.

As Matt left, shaking his head in disbelief, Tai watched him. He lowered his shoulders with a small sigh. He lowered his head and studied the green grass beneath his feet with a dull stare. He clenched and unclenched his fists and recalled what had happened yesterday. He couldn't help the way his heart suddenly grew very cold and bitter.

He shouldn't have hugged Sora yesterday. It had only made everything about this painful secret worse.

He thought of the incredulous expression on Matt's shocked face just then and sighed heavily. Tai had stuffed up. This time, after all this time of hiding everything and so carefully masking it all up, he'd really messed it up. Matt… might not know the details but Tai was starting to break.

It was only a matter of time, Tai feared, before Matt found out the truth.

Tai shook his head in despair. Dammit. His head really hurt.

**Um… Sorry… I'm running kinda low on inspiration for this fic. Plus, I didn't update last week because I've been really busy with everything. Anyway, this chapter wasn't going to be the way it ended up, it was going to be a more intense and vital chapter, rather than this. But I'm glad I wrote that dialogue between Matt and Mimi, because they've been missing out on screen time, and also because that was a very good argument they had there. I found out that I really enjoyed writing it too! Haha! Better chapter next week, I hope! Please review!**


	12. Two Months Ago When Everybody Changed

**Hi everybody! Hope you all had a great Easter! ^_^ Yeah, I know it's been a while and I'm sorry for that! It's the holidays for us kids in Australia- most states anyway, and I hope to work especially hard on this fic! This chapter was going to happen earlier, but because it's gonna be pretty insane, I needed to lay more ground for it. So… let's see how it goes! Please enjoy and review! emichii. **

It happened when Matt and Sora had been dating for exactly two months. Everything fell apart, everything fell to pieces- all the carefully hidden burdens and pains Tai had been living out fell to bits in his hands.

**Chapter 12- Two Months Ago when Everybody Changed **

It was a Friday afternoon.

Tai didn't go to school that day. And it wasn't like he was sick or anything. Tai never got sick. Just… inside, he certainly felt like he would throw up. He was at his limits and he knew it. It never should've happen.

Inside, his heart panged and beat loudly, throbbing. It hurt, but it always hurt. He should be used to it by now. This longing for his best friend's girlfriend… shouldn't be here. It shouldn't be like this! He never should've fallen for Sora. Only a friend, she's only a friend. But she is… one of his closest friends. She is someone he has grown up with, could he have just mixed up the type of affection he felt for her? But it's so real, it's throbbing and it hurts! Yet no matter how much it kills and hurts him inside, he can't hold it in, and he can't stop it. It just… keeps growing!!

He saw her still. Everyday at school, as much as he had tried to avoid her, especially when she was with Matt. But he still saw her.

And every time he saw her, her pretty red hair and red eyes, the way she smiled and grinned at him. The funny way the blush spread across her cheeks when she was embarrassed and how she laughed and her shoulders shook. Even when she was crying, like the other day, he couldn't help it. The way the tears in her eyes made her eyes puffy and redder, how her fingers shook uncontrollably as she cried. The way she had rested her face in his chest and held him desperately…

It didn't stop. And it hurt so badly, dammit, it hurt inside. But it kept growing. His heart whenever he so much as looked at her or even thought of her. This feelings for her, that he shouldn't have, this love, this affection… wouldn't go away. And these feelings and emotions continued to grow… continued to blossom. And he couldn't do anything to make them stop.

Tai slammed a fist down on his desk and his hand didn't even hurt. He leant back on his chair and raised his face to the ceiling, squeezing his eyes shut.

He was so screwed!! He was so stuffed and messed up in every single way imaginable! And he couldn't find a way out, no matter which way he turned.

It wasn't meant to be like this! He could tell himself it was only an accident. It just _happened _to be her that stole his heart that day. It just _happened _to be Matt's girlfriend that he couldn't take his eyes off. It just _happened _to be Sora's fault that he ran into the goalpost!

But it didn't just happen. And now he knew it.

Tai got to his feet and dragged himself to his bed and collapsed there. Gazing up at the ceiling above him, he recalled it all, and he remembered the little things he'd forgotten, or he'd _let _himself forget. Those… distant and forgotten memories… just some of them… were enough to make him cringe under the burden.

He smiled with gritted teeth to the ceiling and cussed under his breath.

Yeah… even then… back then… perhaps it had always been there.

A long time ago… when he was in Year 7, he remembered… rushing into Izzy's house and being absolutely gobsmacked and shocked. He'd blurted out that he might like Sora. Izzy's response was a disbelieving 'NO WAY'. And at this, Tai backed down and had to agree. It didn't make sense, and what Izzy said did. Yep. Just a friend. Just another best friend. Couldn't be anything more, definitely couldn't.

The distant memory was clouded in his head and he found it hard to remember. But he certainly knew it had happened. Thus this headache he had right now.

And another instance, once, a long time ago. But not as long ago as in year 7, this happened in Year 8. He'd been suddenly reminded of it just the other day when Sora was having a bad day.

It had been unexpected. Tai was mulling over how to cheer Sora up when he recalled a certain incident two years ago. Tai had been having a bad day himself when Sora told him that the best cure for a bad day was a hug. And even then, though he didn't recognize the feelings he had inside, he'd been embarrassed. Blushing bright red and scowling, he'd snapped at her and told her that was a ridiculous idea. It had… hurt her feelings, he knew it, but that had been how he responded.

Of course… those things had happened a long time ago. He'd forgotten them. Nowadays… everything was more complicated.

One month and two weeks ago, Tai had hit his head on a goalpost and fallen in love with Sora.

Two months ago, Matt and Sora and begun dating.

Two months ago… Tai should've realized. And maybe he had.

---

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no. 7:_

_Tai was standing at his locker, throwing the books he didn't need inside and then slamming the door closed. Swinging his backpack over his shouldered, he whistled a happy tune as he moved into the hallway. _

_The hallway wasn't very packed today. It was quite empty actually, there were just a few kids left, some talking quietly in the corner and some still at their lockers. Usually, it was always really packed here; someone could get trampled to death. But it was so quiet and peaceful right now. Tai was glad that he'd waited for the mob to leave and die down before he'd gone to his locker. _

_He heard the footsteps suddenly coming behind him. They got louder as they reached him. He turned around with a puzzled expression just as he felt her touch on his shoulders. _

"_Tai!" Her voice was cheerful. He was surprised, because it was overly bright, more excited than it usually was. _

"_Hey Sora." He looked at her, wanting an explanation._

_Then he noticed her expression, her wide happy red eyes, and the pinkness spread over her cheeks, how she blushed and every one of her movements were light and excited. She couldn't stop smiling. _

"…_what's up?" The tenth-grade boy frowned._

_Sora could hardly stand still, but she settled herself. Still it looked like there was a tapping in her toes that wouldn't leave and she moved so lightly and delicately, as though there was someone important watching her. _

_She grinned, and the brightness in her smile stunned Tai for a moment._

"_Ah, I just really had to find you, Tai! I have some fantastic news to tell you!" _

_He steadied the backpack on his back with one hand and looked down at her. "Yeah?"_

"_I'm so happy!" She couldn't stop the beam on her face no matter how hard she tried. "…Matt just asked me out a couple of minutes ago. I… I was so surprised I didn't know what to say at first! But then… I finally agreed and I… I'm just so happy and surprised at the same time." The blush on her face was evident._

_Tai blinked. "Oh… wow." he said, widening his eyes. "That's great, Sora!"_

_She smiled and looked up at him with bright eyes. "Yeah! I just had to tell you, Tai! Because you're such a great friend and I had to tell you right away!" _

"_Heh," he smirked._

"_Anyway," she looked behind her and looked back at him. "I should go now." She smiled again. "I'll see you tomorrow, Tai!" _

_He opened his mouth to reply, but she turned quickly and practically skipped away. She ran off down the corridor and turned down the staircase._

_He stood there, alone in the middle of the hallway._

_Unsure and uncertain of how he should've responded, he sighed softly. He didn't know why he felt so unsettled suddenly. The corridor that stretched in front of him felt so empty and some kind of loneliness nudged his chest. _

_It wasn't quite 'see you, Sora,' anymore. He didn't get it at all._

_And she'd left so suddenly, and so fast. _

"I'll see you tomorrow, Tai!" _she had said._

_Tai lowered his head and smiled sadly at the floor. _

"_Goodbye, Sora," he whispered._

---

Matt hadn't felt this nervous in two months, and he didn't even know why. He'd been with Sora for two months now, and outwardly he should be the happiest guy in the world. He had his silly best friend Tai, and his beautiful girlfriend Sora. But… he wasn't the happiest guy in the world, and he knew so badly that he should be!

Sora was wonderful, but… something was always missing. He hated himself for feeling like this, but he did. Yet when he looked at Sora, his heart still beat and there was this affection for her he couldn't deny. She smiled and she laughed and she was warm in his eyes. This was the longest relationship he'd ever been in. This was the closest he'd ever been to a girlfriend. This was the most he'd ever liked a girl he'd been with. But… he wasn't happy. Well… he could say he was happy. But he wasn't as happy as he should be.

And Tai. He hadn't been at school today. And Matt had hardly even seen him around these days even when he was at school. It surprised and worried Matt, because Tai had changed these last weeks. The soccer player still smiled his goofy grin, still messed around with his mates and still played wicked soccer, but… there was something missing in him too. His brown eyes seemed to miss its usual warm glow. Tai was honest, but seemed to be holding something back, something he was unable to talk about. He never seemed to connect to Matt as much anymore, he always seemed distracted and changing the subject. Tai's behaviour… frightened Matt. And just on Monday, seeing Tai repeatedly banging his head on the goalpost had really freaked Matt out. Tai had been so distant and out of it… Matt didn't know what to do anymore.

Another person who he hadn't seen in school was Mimi Tachikawa. He could hardly even work out what it was between them. Everything was so tense, awkward and uncomfortable between them. But Matt continually told himself their friendship couldn't be dead! But if it wasn't friendship that wasn't working between them, than what else was there left? Mimi… occupied his mind more than she should. He remembered her desperate words on Monday.

"_I don't get why you keep trying to talk to me," _she had exclaimed._ "Don't you know it can't be like before? You have a girlfriend, Matt, one that you actually love? You don't spend time desperately trying to engage in conversation with another girl! And speaking of what it was like, there was nothing between us before anyway!! We were just… us… Just us… struggling to make sense of all the crap that happens. Just… friends of some sort." _

It had all given Matt such a headache, how they had shouted and argued with each other.

_Mimi… _He buried his face in his hands as he sat there on a bench along the shopping street. They'd practically been really close before. She'd always been there, willing to listen and talk to him. She knew him better than anyone else did, almost better than Tai even. Because with Mimi, there were some things that he couldn't talk about with Tai. Many things… stuff like girls and dating… and how he was so frustrated with this popularity game he was always caught in.

When had it all fallen apart between them? When had they stopped talking so much? When did she just seem to disappear from his life…?

Matt straightened up as he realized, his blue eyes widening.

---

_FLASHBACK: TWO MONTHS AGO:_

"…how will I find someone like that? …someone like…"

"…Sora."

He'd stared at her, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. "…what?" he murmured disbelievingly.

She'd been smiling when she'd whispered her best friend's name. But now Mimi's eyes seemed distant as she looked past Matt.

"You know… like I said, someone who likes and values you as a person, as you. Someone who will be willing to listen to what you have to say, who sees you as more than just a good-looking musician. Someone who can learn to like you truly…" Mimi told him. "That's why I said Sora. She… she can do all that."

Matt swung his legs listlessly as he sat there on the desk. He still stared disbelievingly at Mimi. "I… I don't know."

And then she smiled, her beautiful gentle smile as she looked him straight in the eyes. And Matt noticed all the little things about her that made her Mimi. Like how her wavy pink hair fell past her shoulders and the way she drummed her manicured fingernails on her lap as she thought. And he thought of all the times he'd come to see her, to talk to her, because all he really needed when he was feeling frustrated or down was to hear her sincere voice comforting him. And to watch how she seemed so ditzy on the outside but was always so sensible and willing to help inside.

Then he was shocked as Mimi stared at him almost angrily as she snapped, "Just do it! Ask Sora out!"

He mumbled in his confusion. "Wh-what? Why?"

"Because I said so!" she cried, almost desperately as she turned her head away from him.

He slid off the desk he was sitting on and came to stand closer to where she was. She stood up herself and leant there, against her desk, her arms crossed as she pouted.

"…Mimi." he frowned.

"…she's in her Japanese Literature class. She always stays late there because she's slow at copying down the notes from the board." Mimi said without lifting her face to look at him.

"I… don't think I can do it," he admitted.

At this, she finally lifted her head and looked at him. And he was surprised because he felt his heart jerk. And she'd smiled, and he didn't understand the strange type of sadness in her eyes. Her voice was gentle as she said the words he'd always so depended on her to say. "You'll be fine."

He stood up and was going to leave, when he stepped closer to her and felt her tense as she looked up at him with surprise. The tenderness in his chest was hard to pinpoint, but he lifted one hand and held her shoulder. She didn't move but looked at him with shock.

And he bent down and the side of his face brushed against hers. Inside, some kind of loss he didn't understand sparked in his chest.

"…thankyou, Mimi." he whispered, softly in her ear.

And he turned and walked out of the room, not looking back. Heading off to find Sora.

And it was probably a good thing that he didn't look back, because there, alone in the classroom; the tears began to fall down Mimi's cheeks.

---

Matt made his way through the crowded streets, past all the shops and the customers and people. His heart felt so heavy. Somewhere in his mind, he wondered how his best friend Tai was going. Surely… Tai was having his own burdens… No wonder, he hadn't really opened up or talked to Matt in so long.

And Matt knew that Tai never got sick, he was too healthy and athletic. And Tai would never let himself miss soccer training. That was why… he was so certain that Tai was having problems of his own.

How long had it been since Matt had even tried to really talk to Tai? In fact, if Matt had paid attention, he'd know that Tai had been deliberately trying to avoid him and act busy but normal at the same time. Matt recalled how Tai had turned away from him abruptly as he and Sora had said hi to him on Monday. He suddenly remembered the strange, unfamiliar sadness in his brown eyes, and the pain that seemed to be hidden there. And how Tai always smiled carefully these days, how even when he grinned his carefree grin, it seemed forced.

What kind of best friend was he? He hadn't… been caring about Tai at all! He'd just… been stressing and worrying about his own problems, which he always did. He was… always so selfish… and Matt knew… he knew that he'd failed Tai as a best friend.

---

_Stupid. Stupid. Taichi Kamiya, you are such a bastard. _

Tai lay there on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Damn it all! He just wanted to scream and yell and punch walls and collapse and cry all at the same time. He couldn't handle everything. It had all been piling up and up and he had nobody he could vent to and release these burdens.

And what hurt the most was that he knew now. He knew that possibly… actually, very possibly… he'd been in love with Sora for longer than he thought. And he was so good at hiding things and tricking others that he'd tricked even himself.

But one thing he definitely couldn't trick himself about was that he was horrible. Tai was a disgrace for a best friend!! What kind of mate was he? Falling in love with his best friend's girlfriend… and avoiding him and trying to pretend everything was okay. He'd been so freaked out by how close he was to falling apart that he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold himself together at school today, thus he had taken the day off. He'd even abandoned his soccer team today. How could he? How could he?

Tai turned over and buried his face in his pillow. What a liar, what a faker. He felt fine. He wasn't sick at all. His body was fine, he wasn't injured or hurting.

But inside… it hurt so much he hugged himself and cringed as though there were visible wounds there. Tai felt like he was dangling on the end of a string. As though he was there, holding onto the edge of a cliff with only one hand and his fingers were losing grip.

So he curled himself up into a little ball and stared out at his empty room with dull eyes. This… coldness he suddenly felt… this strange emptiness that made him want to throw up… this loneliness and self-hatred… wasn't ever going to go away.

---

And from outside the building, Yamato Ishida stood and looked up at the towering apartment complex where the Kamiyas lived.

**To be continued in Chapter 13!! Yeah, these were some things I've been meaning to write about ages ago, but didn't end up doing it till now! Haha! ^_^ Yeah, there were lots of references to earlier chapters and continuing things from earlier loops in the fic, so I'm going to tell you what they are in case you have forgotten or would like to check back. In the first section, the memory with Tai rushing over to Izzy's house was Distant and Forgotten Memory no. 3, from Chapter 5. The memory with Sora and the bad day was Distant and Forgotten Memory no. 6, from Chapter 10. The flashback of Matt and Mimi in this chapter directly continues from the flashback in Chapter 7. I particularly like this sequel of the flashback here, because it's more from Matt's point of view whereas the one in Chapter 7 was from Mimi's view. **

**Anyway, thanks so much for reading, everybody! Please review!! **


	13. Call it what you want, I don't care

**I don't own Digimon!! **

**Hey everyone! Welcome to chapter 13! Thanks so much for all the reviews and thanks so much for reading!! Haha, well… here we go… those who know my work and writing, I always have to have a chapter where there's a meltdown- when the characters go insane and all of their emotions and feelings explode. So… here comes the meltdown for ****Outta Control!**** Everybody brace themselves!! Read and review!!**

The door to Tai's bedroom swung open.

Tai froze. He stared over at the figure in his doorway with wide eyes. "…Matt."

The blonde boy tried to smile. "Hey Tai. How… how are you feeling?"

**Chapter 13- Call it what you want, I don't care no more.**

Tai sat up on his bed. He couldn't help it, he was backing towards the wall, as far away from his best friend as possible, as Matt sat down on the wheelie chair at Tai's desk. Tai's heart was in full gear, beating so fast because it hurt. He frowned and tried to hide it, but the thoughts of Sora came anyway. The thoughts of being such a horrible traitor of a best friend for falling for Matt's girlfriend… Tai couldn't live with himself.

And now… Matt had been worried for him and had come over. What… how… how was he meant to act when the real reason he'd stayed home was because of Matt himself??

Tai murmured, "Kinda crappy."

Matt narrowed his eyes at Tai suspiciously. "You're not sick, are you?"

Because they both knew Tai never got sick.

Tai avoided his gaze. "No."

Tai looked uncomfortable and although his honest answer bugged Matt, he decided to drop it. The two sat in silence for a moment.

Then Tai spoke himself, "Matt. Are you… are _you _okay?"

It caught Matt off guard and he quickly sputtered, "O-of course! Why wouldn't I be??"

Tai studied his friend from a distance for a while. "You…" Tai frowned and looked away. "You don't seem as happy as you could be."

Matt tightened. He should've known it, he thought as he tried a weak smile. It went both ways, even though it seemed like things between them had gone weird lately, they both could sense it when things were wrong.

"I…" Matt looked off to the side with a small sigh. "I… don't know. I guess… you're right, Tai… I… I'm not as happy as I should be."

Tai looked at Matt with his honest brown eyes. "Yeah?"

There were always things that you never could actually share with even your best friend. But Matt knew, perhaps it was all long overdue. Tai would understand. Or at least, try to anyway.

Tai suddenly looked down at his bedspread with a grim expression on her face. Matt looked at him critically as he detected Tai's suddenly detached voice. Tai smiled, but it didn't come out right and his brown eyes darkened as he avoided Matt's gaze. "I mean… you and Sora are going so well together… you guys must be really happy. …she's the first girl you've ever really loved and she's so glad to be with you. And… and you used to complain that you could never have a long-lasting relationship! And now… look at you two!"

The cheerfulness in his voice was trying so hard, trying so hard to be happy and truthful to his friend. Matt's eyes widened as he realized. All these little things that had happened to Tai lately that he hadn't even bothered to notice.

But Tai wasn't expanding, or talking about his own problems. And Matt truly realized that all this time… over these last six weeks… Tai hadn't talked about himself. At all.

Matt's own voice became cold and detached as he studied the floor with his icy blue eyes. "…yeah… but, Tai… what is the difference between like and love anyway?" His voice was distant, but thoughtful at the same time.

Tai tensed. The worse thing was, he knew. He knew so well what the answer to Matt's question was. Tai looked up suddenly as Matt surprisingly kept talking.

"Things with Sora are fine," Matt said. "I… I really _do _like her. But…" Matt sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling. "I… I keep worrying about someone else… and somebody else keeps occupying my mind all the time. And it's ridiculous because I know I have a girlfriend, but inside I worry so much and deep in the pit of my stomach, I really, truly care for this other person. But she… even acts completely different towards me now… and… and as a _friend_, I can't help but worry!! And then…" Matt's voice grew higher and louder with frustration. "I think I'm worrying too much over just a friend!!"

Tai blinked. He suddenly held up a hand and opened his mouth to say something, because he thought he knew.

But Matt went on, because he couldn't stop now. "Don't you think so??" He demanded to Tai. "Don't you think that there's something that's changed about Mimi?"

Tai held Matt's gaze. Matt's face was furious and frustrated, because he'd struggled over his concerns with Mimi by himself for so long, and because his face was suddenly flushed with energy and even embarrassment.

_Are you serious, Matt? _Tai thought bitterly. _Are you… friggin' serious? How… how can you not know??_

"It's… kinda your fault." Tai said, his voice hard. And then he shocked himself, because he did not mean for it to come out sounding so harsh!

"What?" Matt cried.

Tai shut up and refused to speak. Crap! What had he just spat out? This frustration building up inside him was too much for him to stand! It had been so long since he and Matt had actually had a real conversation together, like this, alone! It was suddenly all so hard, because the anger he usually felt towards himself, the hatred he usually directed to himself, seemed to run amok and fly towards Matt! Because… well… if Tai was so in love with Sora… wasn't it just typical for him to be angry and jealous to Matt? But…

Tai shook his head angrily. But Tai knew!! Tai knew it was all _his _fault! His own fault! It should not have anything to do with Matt, even though… it was Matt being with Sora that made it all hurt so much more.

And now… just thinking about it, following his train of bloody annoying thoughts, Tai's stomach lurched and his chest hurt so much.

Tai suddenly swore under his breath, and then realized with shock that it was louder than he'd intended and that Matt was in the room.

"Tai?" Matt asked, standing up from the chair suddenly, his blue eyes hard and searching now.

Tai gritted his teeth. Dammit! He was close… Matt was so close to finding out!! Tai… Tai really was breaking… he was truly losing his grip and falling to pieces! What…? What else was there left? What was there that was still solid and normal he could hold on to now?

Tai tried not to speak. Tried so hard.

"Tai!! Answer me!" Matt said, loudly now. He was suspicious now and fired up. "And be honest!! Because…"

And then Tai could only watch and listen hopelessly as Matt told him the very words he didn't want him to say.

"Because Mimi is not the only one who's been acting weird these days! You have too!!"

"Wh-what?" Tai's voice was weak.

"I… I mean, I know I've been a lousy excuse for a best friend!!" Matt exclaimed. "I know I've never been here for you, all I ever talk about is me, only me and my new girlfriend and my band and my own things! And I know I've never asked about you and what might be worrying about you!! But… but, still!! I've noticed that… that since last month or so, something's changed about you!"

Tai found that his fingers were shivering and his heart was pulsing up in his throat. He couldn't stop his voice getting panicky. "What... no, I haven't!"

"You never look us in the eyes anymore! We hardly ever see you! You're always smiling and laughing and acting like that cheerful goofball you are, but I can tell there's something _fake _about it, like you don't even believe in it yourself anymore!! And I think… I think you've been purposely avoiding me! Me and Sora!"

"I… I am fine, okay??" Tai spat out. "I'm perfectly fine! You don't have to give a damn about how you think I'm acting!! There. Is. Absolutely! Nothing! Wrong!! AT ALL!"

"Stop bloody hiding it, Tai!! I can see right through you now! You already know you're at your wit's end, which is why you stayed home from school today, right?" Matt snapped.

"No! There's nothing wrong with me!!" Tai's voice grew panicked and pained as he glared at Matt. "Do you know how friggin' hard I've tried to believe that? Do you know how long I've tried to tell myself I'm okay, when I can feel everything draining and leaking out of me? I KNOW! Okay, I KNOW, you don't have to bloody tell me anything!!"

"I might not have to tell you anything, but you owe me and the others an explanation!! And it better be a good one!"

"There is no explanation!!" Tai shouted. "There is nothing I can tell you, okay?? Maybe I'm just going insane! I DON'T KNOW!"

"YOU DO FRIGGIN' KNOW!!"

"Well, you don't _want _to know!" He spat out finally and Matt was silenced. Tai's voice slowed and softened down as he huddled on his bed, breathing hard and whispered. "You don't want to know, Matt. You… you really don't."

Matt's hunched up shoulders relaxed and his eyes grew concerned. "Tai…"

Tai's voice was weak and tired. "You'll hate me, Matt. You'll frigging hate me."

Matt opened his mouth to interrupt, but Tai went on. "I can't! I can't… I can't do it anymore! That's why I have no choice left! I have to run away this time and never come back!!"

"What are you talking about, Tai?" Matt cried.

"How?" Tai sighed as he leaned his head back and asked the ceiling desperately. "How the hell am I meant to tell you how I know the answer? When you ask me what the difference between love and like is, how can I tell you that I actually know?? …and I'm the one who's supposedly immune to this 'love' thing. And the truth is, I actually know. I really… really know so well… it bloody hurts."

"And you went on and on and you told me all that stuff about how you were such a lousy friend, when the truth I've been much worse than that! Matt, I… I've been such a bastard!! I can't believe… I'm trying so hard, even now, to convince myself I'll be okay, but I KNOW I'm not! It's all _my _fault, okay, Matt? I… I'm the worse. I…" Tai stopped and hung his head. He breathed slowly but heavily and covered his face in his hands.

"Tai?" Matt stared at his best friend, worriedly. Tai looked broken apart, huddled there on his bed, burying his face with his hands.

"I'm sorry." Tai muttered. His voice was soft and slightly torn- frayed at the edges. "I'm so sorry, Matt."

"What?" Matt's mouth was curved into a weak smile. "What is it?"

Tai was silent, in his huddled form.

"…I…" he started, but then broke off after just one word. Tai was in despair, but he'd dug himself this hole so deep now, he couldn't get out. He couldn't just say it… but he couldn't turn around anymore. He was really… and truly… stuck.

Matt stood there, his blue eyes not leaving Tai's face, even though he couldn't see it.

Tai raised his head and looked at his best friend from over his crossed arms. His brown eyes strayed away from Matt for a moment, not wanting to face the truth, but slowly he had to look back at him. Tai's lips trembled for a second and then he spoke, his voice wrecked with sorrow.

"I… I'm in love with Sora."

Matt was silent, his mouth still frozen in his half-pleading smile. His blue eyes suddenly grew very bright. "…what?" he said. "What? Tai… you don't mean… you're joking, aren't-"

Tai's gaze had dropped and now he could not even look Matt in the eyes.

Matt was silent, stunned. He couldn't say anything more, because in front of him it was so obvious that Tai wasn't lying. It was so obvious now, with all of Tai's strange behaviour, with the depression that was written all over his face; with everything… it was so obvious that Tai had told him the truth.

Matt's heart and pulse rate jumped up. Suddenly, he couldn't see or think clearly anymore. He felt the devastation and anger rise up in his throat as he took a step closer to Tai. Tai reluctantly looked at him.

"What…" Matt muttered, and his voice rose higher, and louder. "What?? Tai!! I don't understand! Wh-why? How? I… how did this happen?"

"I don't know." Tai mumbled.

Matt suddenly reached out and grabbed Tai by the shirt collar. Tai didn't even struggle and let himself hang there pitifully from the collar.

Matt's voice was angry but that expression written all over his face was one of confusion and concern. "Why? Dammit, Tai! You know! You know… all this time… for these last two months… I was the happiest I ever could be! You know!! You're my best friend! You know just how hard it was to find someone like Sora… you know how hard it is for me to have a long-lasting relationship… you know she's the first girl I've ever really liked! Why?? Why now, Tai? Why… did you have to…?"

"I don't know." Tai's voice was strained. "I don't bloody know!!" he shouted, and Matt had to let go of him. As Tai slumped over against the wall, he felt his heart breaking, and tearing into little pieces.

"I didn't want to, okay, Matt? I didn't plan for it to happen!! It just… it just happened!!" Tai cried out, "I know, Matt!! I do know all those things you just said before!! I know how precious Sora and this relationship you have with her is to you!! That's why… that's why I never wanted to like her! I don't! I still don't! I almost wish… I almost wish I hated her, and I had a reason to! But I don't… and I can't…! Dammit!"

"…when…?" was all Matt whispered out, and he stood there, limply next to the bed, staring at Tai.

"…one and a half months ago." Tai muttered.

Matt's face grew furious. "That's only two weeks after me and Sora started dating!!"

"I… I know."

Tai raised his head and straightened up, his knuckles turning white as he clenched his hands into fists. "I know, Matt!! I really… I told myself, over and over that my heart was only gonna get in the way!! And I knew how much I absolutely couldn't love her! I knew it, I still know it, how much I can't have her! It wasn't meant to happen!! It just…"

Tai let out a huge sigh. "But it… happened. And it really, bloody, frigging hurt!!" He found that one of his clenched fists was holding onto his stomach, as it lurched inside him.

"And you asked me, Matt, you asked me, just then-" Tai stared up at Matt. "You asked me just then… what the difference between like and love was. And I know. I know so badly. I… Even if what I felt for Sora was only 'like', that'd be better than loving her. 'cause it hurts, Matt, it really, really hurts!! I don't know why! I don't know how! But every time I see her, my heart kicks into high gear, and every time I'm alone, I realize that all my thoughts are of her! And I find that just seeing her, inside my chest it kills, it really kills me! And when you two are together, I find this horrific… repulsive jealousy inside. Even when it's only around you, I find that the hurt is unbearable! Because, I can't stand it!"

"I… I really love her!! And I know I shouldn't! But everything about her makes my heart ache so badly… I thought… I know she's only a friend, she can only ever be a friend to me… I mean, bloody hell! She's my best friend's girlfriend! Whenever she smiles so dearly at you, I find myself wishing and begging that she could smile that way towards me! But… even after all these years being around her… I wonder why it took me so long to realize who she is, what she's like. Then I realized… I… I must be bloody good!" Tai's voice went higher and uncontrollable. He almost started laughing.

"I mean, I worked so hard to hide it! I tried so hard to hide it all and cover it up that I fooled you and all the others for so long! Like I said before, it's already been one and a half months!! I totally… had it all worked out! You guys… you were never meant to know! You never would know… that's what I thought!! And I realized then, I was so good at playing this game, at hiding it that all along… I had even tricked myself from believing it!! I… I know now that I've probably… loved Sora for a lot longer than I think."

"And you ask me what's wrong with me, and I can't give you a proper answer. Can I say that everything about me is wrong? Everything about me has changed! I don't know how to feel anymore! I don't know what to do anymore!! I have… nothing left! It's pushed me too far, Matt… it frigging hurts! Every time now, every day… I realize how pathetic I am, but it won't go away! 'cause it cuts me up deep inside, and I feel this horrible sense of loneliness stabbing lurching inside me all the time, and my heart aches so much…!"

Tai murmured softly now, his mouth curving into a weak, unhappy smile. "I keep saying… I just keep telling myself! If loving someone hurts so much, I don't frigging want it!"

Matt backed away from Tai now. He didn't know what to do. And he saw that everything Tai had poured out so insanely, all his feelings and emotions… there were so real and truthful and tender that he dare not say anything else, or do anything more.

"Well…" Tai hung his head, his voice hoarse. He felt exhausted all over, thoroughly wasted and tired from his outburst. He didn't even want to think anymore. He just… wanted it to be over. He wanted to turn himself off. …wanted to put himself on hibernate for a long, long time to come.

"If I was avoiding you, Matt, I just wanna say I'm sorry. But it was the only way to hold myself together. And you might be angry, you must be so angry at me for this, but I… I swore that I wouldn't stand in your way. So… even if I keep loving her from a distance… don't worry… I won't come back. This time, I… I'll go away… I won't… be betraying you like this… dickhead I am."

"TAI!! BLOODY HELL!" Matt roared, as he suddenly swung back and hit his best friend in the face.

Tai slammed back into the wall, and his cheek began to swell. Tai opened his mouth but said nothing, just holding up a hand to rub his sore face.

"You… you really are no good!!" Matt shouted. "You… You are such a…"

"…Dickhead? Bastard? Arsehole? Tr-?" Tai offered, but he wasn't joking.

Matt breathed hard… leaning over, his fists shaking. "…friggin' idiot."

Matt was so angry now, but not just angry at Tai, also at himself. He knew… the reason Tai had been so weird, why Tai had tried so hard to act 'normal' was because he was trying to cover it up! Tai… Tai never would do anything with Sora behind Matt's back, because Tai cared so much for both of his best friends.

"You're a jerk!" Matt cried, holding back another fist for another hit. "You… don't know anything! You're… bloody stupid!!"

_Why… why are you such a good friend? Why… are you the most selfless person I know? Why do you hurt yourself for my sake? _Matt felt his lips tremble and something like hot angry tears blur his vision.

As Matt's fist came to connect with Tai's chest, the soccer player reacted. A burst of his own anger and frustration erupted and his depression and self-hatred faltered. Tai grabbed Matt's hand and threw it back from him and with the other hand landed a full-on punch into Matt's stomach.

Matt reeled as he swallowed back the urge to vomit and fell back a few steps from Tai's bed. Tai moved so that now he was sitting sideways on the bed, his legs off the edge. His brown eyes were flashing with its own anger and defensiveness.

"Why am I the stupid one?? Look at you, Matt!! Look at you, you're the stupid one!! You stupid… moron!!"

_You don't know… anything, Matt. But you… found me out. Even for me… and I'm a failure of a best friend, you still… came and worried about me- for all the wrong reasons. Even though I am… the worse person ever._

Matt opened his mouth to retaliate but Tai jumped in, and his own eyes were also dark and somewhat teary with angry and frustrated tears. Tai's face was flushed as he finally screamed out:

"I don't believe you, Matt!! You think you're so bloody smart because you've got everything _all figured out_!! You're stupid! I can't believe that you took so long to find out that I'm such a jerk, but you still don't know about Mimi!"

"What??" Matt cried. Why suddenly bring up Mimi?

"You come running into my room and declare that there's something weird about Mimi and saying that she's avoiding you and all that crap! Why do you bloody think she's avoiding you? Why do you think she's not acting the same and why do you _think_ she's always so busy?? Haven't you learnt anything from what I yelled out at you today? Stupid!!"

"WHAT? Tell me, dammit!" Matt screamed. And just as those words came out of his mouth, something in his gut lurched and his eyes widened as he thought he might finally know.

Tai smirked, a knowing, cruel sneer. "You moron, Matt!"

Matt was still, frozen, his eyes still wide open.

"Why… why do you think she's avoiding you? Why do _you _think she's never around anymore? Why do you think she doesn't act the same?" Tai said, confidently, his eyes intense.

Tai sighed and ran a hand tiredly through his messed up hair. Suddenly, his face looked very flushed and very exhausted, and his eyes hollow and dull. "Moron," his dry voice muttered. "Mimi's in love with you."

Matt collapsed to the ground, a mess. He slumped over there, blonde hair falling over his stunned eyes as he stared dully at the floor. He was so still and silent, but inside his heart suddenly kicked into action, suddenly flying high and plummeting down further than ever at the same time. His stomach ached, but the need to vomit was long gone now. He'd had enough shocks for the day. Tai… But now, for some reason… finding out about Mimi… it replaced all the hurt and anger before. He couldn't understand it. Somehow, he felt relieved about the reason Mimi was acting this way. But at the same time, he knew… there was horrible dread building up within his chest. This feeling inside… was ridiculous.

And Tai sat there, on the edge of his bed, his dark and dull eyes gazing over his best friend. It'd be so long. Since when… had he felt like this? He was so thoroughly exhausted and his cheek really hurt. Matt had given him a good one. He snorted with annoyance as he rubbed his face again. Dammit. It had really hurt. But… it took the pain off his other wounds, the other pains and sores that weren't visible. And all of his burdens… the weights on his back that he'd tried to carry and hide for so long. He'd never expected for himself to let go like that, to go crazy and end up screaming out all his pain and problems like that. He felt light, strangely light, like he know longer had to hold on to everything. But at the same time, he felt this remarkable feeling of loss. Because even though he'd reached the end of his rope, even though he no longer needed to hide everything, even though he didn't have to hold in the intolerable pain… It was only because he'd collapsed and had truly broken down. Even though, all he felt now was not the pain and suffering, he already knew… he couldn't go back now. There was nowhere else for him to go.

And the two best friends sat there in silence, weary and exhausted, and beaten up.

**Um… I guess there were good parts and bad parts in this chapter. I don't know. I had so much stuff I wanted to put in, but I'm not so sure if it turned out that well… oh. I'm at a really dangerous point in this fanfic right now, if you know what I mean. It could go really dull and repetitive from now on, if I don't find a way to pull it off neatly. So… I'm gonna need a lot of encouragement. There's gonna have to be a lot of focus on Sora in the next chapters, because we've gone a lot into Tai and Matt and Mimi's feelings and points of view, but Sora and where she's at currently is still unknown. But… hey! At least I've set the background story up pretty well! I just hope the rest of it will come out like I want!! Please review!! ^_^ emichii **


	14. Confusion is an Understatement!

**Hey everyone! Thanks so much for all the encouragement and reviews! Well… uhh… Um, right now I'm just reeling a bit from a bit of a harsh message from someone from fanfic, but I'll be okay. I'm kinda used to flames and stuff too, which is kinda sad. But, hey, that's what happens when people actually read your stuff or know your name online. It can't all be happy reviews and stuff… but I just wanna thank all you readers, because I'm pretty lucky! I'm generally blessed with just good reviews and helpful critique. ^_^ So, wish me luck for chapter 14!! Here you go!!**

**Chapter 14- Confusion is Definitely an Understatement!! **

_Distant and Forgotten Memory no. 8: _

"… _I'll see you tomorrow, Tai!" She made sure that her voice was cheerful and confident as she turned away from the soccer player. _

_As she made her way down the hall, she couldn't help hoping that maybe he'd call after her. Maybe he'd run after her and… and…_

_She went down the stairs and stopped, her red eyes staring critically down at the floor. What? Then what? What else would he do?_

_Sora bit her lip as she lowered her gaze. Tai wouldn't run after her and tell her not to date his best friend. Why would he? _

_After all… after all these years of her dropping as many clues as she could, he still didn't get it. And it probably wasn't because he was incredibly stupid. _

_The only reason… _

_Sora lifted her head up and gazed straight ahead of her. She couldn't help the sigh coming from her mouth._

_The only reason Tai wouldn't go after her, the only reason Tai wouldn't respond the way she wanted, the only reason Tai never seemed to understand…_

_She set her jaw as she forced a smile._

_She could see the handsome blonde musician walking towards her, with a shy smile on his lips. _

_The only reason was because Tai never had or would have the same feelings towards her as she had for him. _

_And so Sora smiled her brightest for Matt, as she ran the last few steps towards him._

---

On Friday afternoon, Sora lay there on her bed, studying the ceiling above her.

As she sat up, she felt immensely tired and sighed softly. Her tired eyes gazed across her window sill and saw the red roses that Matt had given her. They stood in their glass vase, the water clean and their stems diagonally cut. She'd used all her knowledge of flower-arranging to make them last for as long as she could. But, even so…

She'd always known they wouldn't last forever.

The roses wilted over the vase, their stems curving and the petals falling into the water and onto the windowsill. She reached over and picked up a flower delicately with her fingers.

Smiling bitterly, she inspected it and then dropped it back down into the vase. The roses had already died.

Sora pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, rocking herself back and forth slowly, as though to comfort herself. She couldn't help it. Sometimes… sometimes she just felt like crying.

She was worried about Mimi. Her best friend… and she still didn't understand, after so long why it seemed that suddenly their friendship had deteriorated so badly. Sometimes, when Sora narrowed her eyes at the ditzy carefree girl and searched carefully, she saw uncertainty and the sadness in Mimi's brown eyes.

And she didn't even know why, these days, she felt as though loneliness was eating away at her. And she just didn't understand it.

She tried to remember how to combat these feelings of loneliness and sadness. And it just didn't make sense because she couldn't pinpoint the exact cause for this sorrow.

It would be nice, she decided, if someone would just come and sit with her for a while. It'd be nice, if someone wouldn't mind listening.

She used to be a really happy girl. Back then, when high school was no problem at all, in those happy carefree days of Year 7 and 8. She was the one who tried to cheer up the others, and always seemed to know the cure for a bad day.

And thinking back to it… what _was _the cure for a bad day anyway?

Sora thought of Matt. He was so sweet and never far from her mind. Because, well, he was her boyfriend, someone who really cared. He always tried so hard, tried so hard to be there for her, even though he didn't always really know how to make her feel better. Even though he wasn't actually always there.

Still… she had… she'd really wanted to depend on him. Ever since they'd started going out, she'd wanted to be able to lean on him.

Sora sat up straight and closed her eyes, trying a small smile on her lips, trying to remember the last time she'd felt happy thinking about Matt. But all she felt was a weird aching feeling in her stomach, as though it was empty, and she knew she'd failed herself.

She tried hard, tried to remember the last time a friend had talked to her properly, the last time she'd been able to feel better. Tried to remember someone's kind words to her, or someone's kind actions. Even if it was just a little thing… tried to remember someone doing their best for her.

"_What's up?" _

His voice had been a little uncomfortable, a bit awkward, as though he wasn't sure he should be there.

"_I… I've just had a bad day, that's all."_

"_Do you… wanna talk about it? …You don't have to if you don't wanna,"_

He had looked away, running a hand through his hair as though absentmindedly, and the words still fell strangely out of his mouth. Yet… she could tell that he was trying. Trying his best.

Just thinking back to it gave her a weird feeling in the stomach. It kind of made her feel light-headed and happier, just being reminded of that little meeting with him.

Sora's eyes opened wide suddenly as she stood up and looked on her shelf. A look of wonderment seemed to cross her face as she reached out.

"…_Maybe I was asking too much. Of course he has his own things to worry about and I'm just being selfish by thinking too much about it. But maybe I… I just wanted him to make it all better." _

She'd been more honest than she'd meant to. But she'd told the truth.

He'd been silent as he listened to her every word. Tai.

"_Sometimes… when you have a bad day," _He had muttered, his face flushing slightly_, "the only thing that can make you feel any better… is a… hug." _

Maybe it was wrong. No, it had to be wrong.

After all the pain that she'd secretly harboured over that dense soccer-playing fool in these past years; why was it still only him that made her feel so happy inside?

She couldn't help it. Sora couldn't help it as she recalled the blush on his face as he shoved the pink gift bag into her hands. A true, honest-to-God smile burst out on her face as she reached out and grabbed the huge white teddy bear from off her shelf.

She hugged it to herself, feeling its soft white fur tickling her face. She couldn't help giggling a little bit to herself, because just thinking of Tai's embarrassed face made her feel like this- made her feel like her problems were nothing.

And she was grateful for it.

Yet…

As she smiled from the funny memories of Tai, inside her stomach tightened and untightened. And her fingers tightened over the bear as she held it to herself, suddenly reminded of that day, a few weeks ago when Tai had held her like this.

Back then, that day before, she'd been hurting, she'd been upset over a bad day. But at the same time, as Tai muttered out those awkward words and wrapped his lanky arms around her, she couldn't help the warm feeling growing inside her heart. Because even as she had sobbed and let go of those burdens, at the same time she'd felt so much better, because he'd always made things better.

But… even though she'd felt so grateful to have him there, to have him hug her and comfort her, as awkward as he'd been, even though she'd felt a bit of happiness returning to her as she let go of all her problems. Even with all those things, she'd felt it inside her stomach, inside her chest then. Even as Tai held her because she needed it so much… Inside, her heart had ached so much it was killing her.

Sora muffled her own startled cry as she buried her face in the bear's white fur. But was it possible…? But how could it be that this boy… Taichi Kamiya… why was it that even now, after trying so hard to let go of him…

Why was it that he could still make her feel so happy, yet at the same time hurt her heart so much inside?

---

The temperature outside was cold. It chilled him through to the bone and he felt himself shivering as he made his way through the streets.

But for some reason, it was inside him that felt the coldest. Inside his chest, his heart thumped away, but somewhat numb and chilled. Matt bit his lip and shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he made his way through the streets.

Dammit. His head really hurt. His heart really hurt. Everything, everything about anything hurt right now.

But… why…

Matt kept his head bowed down as he made his way through the doors and stepped into the elevator, reaching out the press the number for the floor.

Why was he now going to go and hurt somebody else?

But… it all hurt so much. And he was so sick of lying to himself.

---

She heard the knocking on the front door of her apartment.

As Sora pulled the door open, she saw him standing there on the doorstep. Matt's face looked paler than it usually was, and he was standing very straight and tight, as though he was cold and nervous.

"…Matt." She blinked in confusion for a moment and then smiled pleasantly at her boyfriend. "I didn't know you were coming over! You wanna come in?"

Wordlessly, he took one smooth stride inside, his hand reaching out the hold onto the side of her shoulder.

He could hardly even look at her, and she noticed this. She reached over and touched his hand with hers, looking up at him worriedly.

Suddenly, he stepped away from her, letting go of her and awkwardly shoving his hands in his pockets again.

"Sora," he said abruptly, the first word he'd said since he'd arrived. "I… we…" he struggled with his words and struggled to face her properly, to even raise his head and look at her in the eyes.

She stood there and watched him.

"Sora," Matt said, his voice finally straightening up and serious as he met her gaze. "I need to tell you something."

**Hey everyone!! Sorry for the shorter chapter! But hope you like it anyway!! We're really getting closer to the end now!! Oooh!! It's kinda exciting and kinda sad at the same time!! Anyway, it wouldn't have gotten this far without all of your help and encouraging reviews!! Thankyou so much, everyone!! ^_^ Please review!! emichii! **


	15. We are all So Stuffed Up

**I don't own Digimon and ya all know it! _ Here's chapter 15! Hope you enjoy! Sigh… its getting to that dangerously hard bit to write. Please read and review!**

Sometimes, right after you get your heart broken, you just really need to cry till there's no more tears left.

Sometimes, after you break up, you realize that you should've been crying over someone else.

**Chapter 15- We are all So Stuffed Up. **

"What?" Tai pretty much shrieked.

Matt barely looked at him and shrugged. "You heard me."

Tai swore then, the harsh words flying out of his mouth. He reached out his hands and they clutched at Matt's collar. Tai angrily pushed Matt against the wall, his face flushed, his messy brown hair falling down over his eyes as he spat out: "Why? Why the hell would you…?"

Matt snorted as he turned his face away from Tai's. With one hand he shoved Tai away from him and said sharply, "Don't get it wrong, Tai! I didn't do it for you!"

Tai backed away from Matt, the initial shock and anger now gone from his face. Now, his heart was only full of sorrow and agony for Sora, as well as guilt. He stepped away and found himself staring horrified at the floor, now not sure what to do next.

"But, why else would you do it? You know that she was happy with you! She was so happy! She smiled so much for you; she only smiled that way for _you_! You can't… you can't just break her heart like that!!"

_No! NO!! It can't be like this! _Tai screamed inside his mind. He'd wrecked it all! He'd ruined everything! He'd torn everything apart! And it was all his fault.

He never should've… He shouldn't have told Matt what he felt for Sora. He never should've done that.

Now look what he had done! Matt… Matt felt guilty. Matt felt bad for Tai, that Tai had hurt so much. Matt felt so guilty that he'd broken up with Sora! Tai shook his head, gritting his teeth to come to terms with the unbearable guilt. Dammit! Why… why was he so selfish?

Matt had been the happiest he'd ever been. His relationship with Sora had been the longest relationship he'd ever been in. And she'd actually been the first girl Matt had ever really liked that much.

And Sora… she'd been so happy with Matt too. The two of them together… it had been so obvious that they were in love and as much as Tai had hurt to see them together, he'd always known he should be happy for them.

But… but how could he have wrecked it all for them?

Matt's blue eyes were pale and icy cold, and he faced away from Tai, his arms crossed.

It was a chilly grey morning. The sky looked just about as miserable as Tai felt inside. And the clouds that roamed the sky seemed ready to rumble and cry never-ending tears at any moment.

"No…" Tai muttered, as he looked at Matt. "I've wrecked it all! You shouldn't have done that! Even though it hurt, I don't care! You can't throw away yours and Sora's happiness together for me!"

"It's not because of you!" Matt said, as he met Tai's gaze. "It… would've ended anyway."

"What?" Tai's voice dropped.

"I didn't do it for you!" Matt said. "I didn't break up with Sora because of you! I did it for myself, okay?"

Tai was silent as he watched his friend.

"I did it for me." Matt murmured softly. He lowered his blonde head and looked down at the floor, and he didn't speak again.

---

The weather was horrible.

But even so, she made her way outside into the cold.

Looking up at the very grey sky, with its rebellious clouds streaking across it, she shivered as she felt the chill run past her with the wind. She heard something like a rumble through the sky and knew that any moment now the clouds would break and the rain would come pouring down. She couldn't help it then, she felt the lump in her throat rise.

Sora bit her lip as she pulled her scarf around her tighter, then hugged her arms around her to keep herself warm as she made her way through the empty streets.

Dammit. Dammit. She found herself repeating inside, over and over again.

She couldn't stop it. It hurt. The lump in her throat was growing and she felt the sobs rise up from her chest. She didn't mean for it to happen. She didn't want to cry. She'd been so strong before.

She didn't want to…

She'd been so controlled, so strong before. Yesterday, yesterday afternoon when Matt had stood on her doorstep and told her it was over, she'd only just managed to hold off the tears. She'd somehow managed to nod and bid him goodbye politely before dazedly wiling away the rest of the evening, managing not to cry at all.

But she could only hold it in so long.

She found the tears spilling from her eyes and down her cheeks, without fail, without pausing at all. And they just kept coming.

She swiped at the tears, but they wouldn't stop. She let the sobs come, let her shoulders tremble as she cried freely.

Sora couldn't help it as she wandered through the park alone. The only one out on a day like this. On a day when the sky would cry as much as her heart would.

---

When the phone rang, Mimi almost jumped out of her skin. The pink-haired girl shakily reached out and picked up the receiver, wondering who was calling on this rainy weekend morning.

"Hello?"

"…hey, Mimi."

She froze. It shouldn't be so easy to almost forget his voice and then remember it so well. Why… why was he, of all people calling her?

And his voice through the phone… it shouldn't… it was making her knees go weak and trembly.

"Mimi? Are you there?" His voice asked through the receiver.

"Y-yeah,"

He seemed to pause for a moment, as though gathering up his courage. "…can we meet up? …I have something I need to tell you."

---

He shouldn't feel like this. He shouldn't be doing this already; he shouldn't have gotten over breaking Sora's heart yesterday so fast, just like this. But… already, his heart was pumping out of his chest, already his thoughts somewhere else, and with someone else.

Matt picked up the pace as he took a shortcut around the back of the post office and cut across a school playground to get to her.

And he knew. And he was sorry for leaving Sora. But, he'd finally realized.

There were things to do now, things to set straight.

And right now, after all this time of longing to be with her, it was finally time for him to take action.

---

She stood there, huddled in her long coat, her hands lost in the deep pockets as she waited outside the shop. The weather was dreadful and cold as she stood out there, waiting.

She could see her breath come out in small puffs of steam in the cold air and it amused her for a moment before she sighed.

Standing there, she looked very small in her coat, and he saw her first. He felt his heart rate pick up as this almost unbearable urge to run and hold her in his arms kicked up in him. He felt his feet move faster, toward her, almost so that he was running.

'cause, dammit. She'd been the one he'd been longing for all along.

Mimi stood there, and looked around her. She was curious as to what on earth Matt had to tell her and a little worried that he might not turn up. She turned her head to the right, then the left, hoping to see him arrive.

He was there.

He was coming over towards her, his face a little flushed, almost as though he'd been running to get to her.

Mimi's eyes widened as she watched him come closer.

And Matt, as he came towards her, his mouth widened into the most heartfelt smile she'd ever seen.

---

Damn. It felt lonely.

Sora paused there, standing there in the park, the tears in her eyes. She raised her face up to look at the sky, and look at the grey unfriendly clouds that dominated it. She lowered her head again, and felt a stab of loneliness. Of course, people didn't come out in weather like this. They were all at home, snug on their couches, or in warm well-lit little cafes and shops.

Yeah. So… Matt had broken up with her. And it had hurt.

Because she had had so much riding on it. It hadn't been something that she'd expected, when it had happened. Two months ago, when he'd suddenly come up to her, his face slightly red and asked her out.

Actually, she'd been so happy.

Because, she'd really needed it. Maybe, just to make herself get over Tai. Because Tai would never feel the same, because Tai just couldn't see her as anything other than as a good friend, because Tai never would feel for her the way she felt for him.

She just needed… someone to be there. Someone else… someone else for her to love.

Or at least… _try _to love.

Sora smiled a little bitterly to herself as she hugged her arms tightly around her.

She loved Matt, she really did. But it was only the way she could love a friend, only the way she could love a brother. That was all.

Just like the red roses she'd tried to keep on her windowsill for as long as possible, they withered away after a while, and the petals ended up falling all over the floor.

She wondered what would happen next, where could she go from here? Picking up the pieces that she'd dropped, all she could feel still was the pain inside. How was she going to get better now? Who'd be there to hold her while she tried to put herself together again?

And even though, she might've realized all of that, even though she knew that she and Matt had never felt that way about each other; inside, it still hurt like hell.

---

His hands were clenched tightly into fists as he ran. His breath stuck in his throat, coming out heavily as he ran along the empty streets.

He didn't know why, he was breathing so heavily. His heart was pumping out of his chest, this panic, this hysteria bubbling up inside him. He bit his lip and almost wanted to cry as he tore down the path.

Oh... He was such a dickhead!

He'd gone and wrecked everything! Everything!! Everything that had been making Matt so happy these last two months, everything that had killed him inside, but had made his two best friends smile like they'd never smiled before.

_What the hell?? What the hell is wrong with me?? _He wanted to scream and curse out at the sky.

_Dammit…! Bloody hell! What's… wrong with me? Why…?_

He found himself almost tripping as he stumbled to a slower pace, dragging his feet as he wearily walked.

Matt had broken up with Sora. They'd broken up!

Why was it so hard to take in?

Why was he so angry?

Why… why was he practically crying?

Wouldn't this have been the day he'd be overjoyed about? Shouldn't he be glad that this pain he'd been holding inside might finally be over? Shouldn't he be happy?

But damn, whatever Matt's reasons for it were, he felt like crap. Because, in the whole process of all this, after these two months of torture, he'd ended up hurting his two best friends so much.

Matt… after so long, his first relationship that had lasted longer than two weeks, the first girl he'd actually maybe developed feelings for; the first time he'd ever been serious about a girl… it was all gone. And because of Tai.

And Sora… she'd never been happier than when she was with Matt. Those times that he'd felt like murdering his best friends were the times when Sora was smiling that endearing smile just for Matt, that smile that Tai so wanted for himself.

Both of them must have been so happy, and now it was all over.

Both of them had been hurt, both their hearts broken.

And the worse thing was, while Tai could see their suffering, deep inside, very deep inside his soul, he couldn't help but feel happy that it was over.

Crap. He was the worse.

He was such a bastard! Why must he be so selfish? Dammit, after all he'd put the two of them through, how could he still have the nerve to feel even this tiny little bit relieved about it?

How could he still be so selfish and hurting for Sora?

How could he still want to be with her so much, even now?

He came rushing through the park, feeling the chilly breeze past his face, brushing past the bushes without another thought, just so… so distraught.

And then he felt the gasp come up in his throat, the almost scared cry he just managed to stop from bursting out with.

She was there, alone in the park, the tears still shining in her eyes, looking in shock at him.

**To be continued!! Thanks for reading! Haha, yeah… this was one of those cliffy chapters, you know. The chapters that you need to join up the actual events together. We're nearing the end, everyone! Next chapter will be the second-last one!! Please review!! ^_^ **


	16. And Everything Blows Up to Bits!

**SECOND-LAST CHAPTER, EVERYBODY!! WOOHOO!! _ Haha, man, I'm so high!! 'cause my semester exams are over now!! YEEAAHH!! Anyway, sighhh… here we are at the second-last chapter of Outta Control. It's been lotsa fun, everyone!! Okay! Let's get started!! I hope you enjoy! **

**Chapter 16- And Everything Blows Up To Bits!!**

Tai was completely torn. He stood there, the expression on his face indescribable, his heart so confused and unsure. His chest was still heaving up and down from his crazed run and his face flushed. His brown eyes were wide and disbelieving and he could feel hysteria rise up in his throat.

_Oh no… No! _His heart sank even more; he hadn't thought it was possible. _Why now? _He couldn't face her _now_! He couldn't…!!

But he was so torn. Inside, he wanted so much to scream in horror. He wanted to leave her, he didn't want to see her, didn't want to be anywhere near her. He wanted so much to turn away from her, and race down the street, leave her far, far behind. And never look back again.

But at the same time, he was torn. There was that… magnetic attraction that just drew him to her. Because… she had been his best friend… they'd grown up together, how could he just see her and turn around and leave? How could he just leave her to cry alone? Dammit, his heart hurt so much. He tore his gaze away from her, still not knowing what to do. His heart throbbed so much in his chest, and he found himself holding a hand over his stomach as he stared hard down at the ground.

He wanted so much to run away right now, not look at the girl who caused him so much pain! Yet, at the same time, he could not leave. Couldn't stand to see her crying, couldn't stand to imagine her standing there alone, and couldn't bear to leave her suffering alone.

Tai felt his weight sway uncertainly between one foot and the other. He… He was so stuffed up. Inside and out.

He thought he could feel gentle drops of rain begin to spit out of the sky, just light drops of rain that were barely there.

Yeah, he was so screwed up. But… he'd already reached the end of his rope. What more… was there to break and rip apart now? He already… had nothing left.

Tai could feel the sinking feeling deep inside, but already… he had resigned himself to it. He struggled hard to compose himself, shaking his head in frustration, before he straightened up. And then, he turned slowly towards her.

---

Her face was a little flushed, probably because of the cold weather out here. Matt smiled, despite himself, he couldn't help it. This girl… she just… he wanted to hold her and protect her and keep her warm always. Man… how long… had she been standing here like this before him? And how long, had she been huddled there in her long coat, by herself in the cold? And… all this time… had he really never seen her?

"Hi," his voice turned out more nervous than he'd expected. This surprised both him and her. "Th-thanks for coming out in this weather,"

She nodded and smiled a tiny smile. "Yeah. It's okay."

He opened the door to the coffee shop for her and guided her in with his hand lightly touching her shoulder. They didn't talk about it, but Matt flushed because in all this time he'd known Mimi, he had never once touched her like that.

They sat down across from each other in silence. Neither of them made any move to order anything at all, because both of them knew they were only here to talk.

"_Why… why do you think she's avoiding you? Why do you think she's never around anymore? Why do you think she doesn't act the same?" _

Tai's words from back then echoed in Matt's head. Matt felt the sweat clam up in his palms and he clenched his hands so tightly that his nails dug into his palms.

She wouldn't look at him. She was staring blankly, almost sadly at the table, her long pink hair falling over her face.

"_Moron," _Tai's practically impertinent voice had muttered.

Matt was suddenly reminded of all his conversations with Mimi in the past. Before this awkwardness between them had even begun. Before, when she was the one who was always there to listen, always willing to listen to him complain about everything. She was always there… she was always cheerful, smiling and joking around. Being the ditz she was, she had always just been so much fun to be around. He… must've taken it all for granted.

When… when had it all changed?

"_For crying out loud, Matt! You know what you should do? You should open your eyes and see the people standing right in front of you!!" _

What… had she looked like back then? She'd looked almost embarrassed and panicked, annoyed at herself. Shocked at her own outburst. He'd been confused, because he didn't understand.

And dammit… now? Only now, he understood, after so damn long, after hurting so many other people in the process, he only realized now?? Heck, he really was a moron!

"_Mimi's in love with you." _

Matt gritted his teeth. He took in a deep breath and tried to gather up his courage. Then, he raised his head and stared Mimi straight in the eyes.

They were surprised, because Mimi had chosen that exact moment to raise her head as well.

Matt's blue eyes pierced into and through Mimi's gaze. His lips trembled as he opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm sorry, Mimi."

---

There were small dark spots of rain beginning to spill out onto the ground. Tai felt an incredible ominous feeling stab into his chest, but he bit his lip to keep it away.

Somewhere up in the sky, a loud rumble of thunder shook the dark clouds, and a cold chill ran through the air.

Sora stared at Tai, and struggled to wipe away her tears. She looked at him, the confusion obvious on her face. "…Tai?" she murmured.

Tai tried hard to smile. "Hey,"

He stood there awkwardly beside her for a moment. He couldn't look at her, just look at the ground which was quickly becoming wet from the light rain. Still he… he wanted to make her feel better.

But he just didn't know what to say.

"It's okay," she sensed his tension. "You don't have to say anything."

He frowned and tightened and untightened his fists. "Sora…"

She looked at him in surprise, the tears marks still on her face.

"I… I'm sorry." he blurted out.

The words suddenly came rushing out of him, pouring out, knowing no bounds, they kept coming. So fast and so rushed and so insane, he could barely hear what he was saying. "I'm sorry, Sora! I'm so, so sorry! This is all my fault! I never should've…! Ah, crap, what am I even saying? I… I'm so sorry, Sora, I'm so sorry about you and Matt! And I'm sorry I've been such a crap friend and that I've hardly even been around, and I'm sorry that I was ignoring you before, and I'm sorry that you're sad and you're crying, and I'm so sorry that I don't even know what to say to make you feel better! I… I'm sorry, Sora!"

She blinked at him. And a small chuckle escaped from her lips as she laughed. Her small shoulders shook as she laughed. Tai stared. He felt his heart sink.

"What are you talking about?" she asked. Her voice was high and wobbly, and she was trying so hard to smile and act like it was all nothing. "This isn't your fault at all, Tai! You don't have to take the blame for anything."

"Yes, I do!" He snapped suddenly.

Sora was quiet. "I-"

"It _is_ my fault! Everything is my fault!! I'm to blame!" Tai cried. He felt his heart beat increase, beating out of his chest. All his thoughts were crazy and spinning out of control in his mind. Suddenly, he was no longer sure of anything at all, he had no idea what was going on, what he was saying, everything… completely out of his control.

She stared at him, her eyes very wide. Tai breathed heavily, trying to calm down but knowing that he was already at the end.

"It… It is my fault!" He finally raised his eyes to meet hers and they were dark and angry.

"No!" Sora said, and suddenly her eyes filled up with tears again. "It's just… me and Matt weren't meant to be! That's all! It was just… not meant to happen!" But these words made her eyes water and Tai ached inside.

"Crap. How stupid of me…" she sniffed. "Damn, these tears just… keep running!" She tried to laugh it off, but failed miserably, her eyes wide as the tears fell.

Tai faltered and looked away from her, his heart aching. "D-don't cry, Sora…"

Sora said nothing. Tai sighed lightly and looked down at her, his hands suddenly reaching out and holding onto her thin shoulders.

"Listen, Sora," his voice was hoarse and his eyes were stern as he looked at her. He bit his lip and felt the pain sear through him as he felt the hysteria and panic rise up. "I… I… It really… was my fault. You and Matt were great together, and you always had so much fun. I know… 'cause whenever I saw you two together, you were always smiling."

She stared at him wide-eyed, the last tears dribbling down her face. Her hands paused on his, holding them lightly. "Tai…"

Tai flinched visibly, a quick flash of hurt in his eyes. "So I…"

But dammit. Just standing here, with her in front of him, this time, her gaze staring at him and only at him. His stomach was doing somersaults and he felt sick inside. Yet, her face was so sad… and all he could think about was how it was his fault, was how it was him who made her cry like this. He couldn't… he couldn't do anything. He couldn't reverse it! Heck, he couldn't even comfort her and make her feel better.

Tai stepped in towards her and hugged her.

He wouldn't let her see his face, not now, probably not ever again. Sora trembled in his arms, bewildered and still tearful. "Tai, what…?"

Tai bowed his head over her shoulder and tightened his arms around her, a bitter expression on his face. He hugged her tightly, with all the painful love in his heart bursting out as he held her.

_Hey… if it has come to this… then… at least let me hold you like this, just this once. And then… I'll disappear forever from your sight._

Distant thunder roared from far away and Tai held her still. The clouds over them spit out larger drops of rain, no longer tiny little droplets, but big cold wet raindrops that splattered all over the ground, over their feet and their heads. Sora's shoulders shook as she hiccupped from her tears, her face buried in his chest, her small hands holding onto him. She was still so confused, so incredibly bewildered. She didn't understand why… even in the midst of the falling rain and the cold… Tai's embrace was warm. And all at the same time her heart was crying, crying out so hard.

His voice was very hoarse and rough, bitter and in pain. "I'm sorry, Sora." Tai muttered.

She stared out dully in front of her, now peeking out over his shoulder. "Why?"

"I… I didn't mean to get in the way. I didn't want to ruin everything. I didn't mean… to jeopardize everything my two best friends had…!"

Now it was Sora holding onto Tai, as though she felt his grip slipping. Suddenly, she was the one struggling to make sense of what he was feeling, trying… trying to hear him, trying to comfort him, and all the time not even knowing why.

She felt the tension in his arms, feeling that he didn't want to be there, could hardly even stand being with her here and she was hurt by this. At the same time, she was confused as to why Tai was acting this way.

"I don't know… I still don't know why it happened… or how it started. Everything… just started falling to pieces… Everything started spiralling out of control… it all… just exploded… into bits. And I... I didn't know how to deal with it. You and Matt… kept asking me what was wrong… everyone must've noticed the weird way I started acting. Even though I'd tried so hard to handle it and keep it all bottled up inside… even though I tried so hard for everyone's sake, especially for Matt… I still… I still ended up screwing it all up!"

Tai's grip tightened around her and he made a sound as though he was crying. Sora didn't know if he was, because she couldn't see his face. All she could see over his shoulder right now was a world awash in rain that seemed to grow harder and louder. That rain was cold and chilled her to the bone as it ran down her face, but she could taste the saltiness of her own tears on her tongue, and she was stunned as to whether she was crying again.

"It wasn't… meant to be like this..." Tai choked. "I… I've ended up hurting every one… and I can't do anything to put myself back together. It's all my fault… I shouldn't have… I shouldn't-" And suddenly he started to pull away from her in shock, almost as though he had only just realized he'd been hugging her.

But Sora held onto him, and this surprised both of them. "…why?" Her voice pierced through the storm. "What did you do? And why… do you blame yourself for everything that's happened?"

He practically collapsed back into her arms and she was the one holding him, supporting him through the rain. The rain was loud and seemed to deafen them, but still he had heard her voice. He struggled for control, pushed his weight back onto his feet so he was standing by himself… yet reluctantly still holding onto Sora… because truthfully… he didn't want to let go.

She listened through the rain for his voice. It was quiet, barely there.

"I… When I fell…" he paused, he struggled, he stumbled over his words. He was unable to express anything at all, didn't know what he was to say, didn't know how to say it. Just… how had it all started? "…when I ran… into…" His voice mumbled.

…_when I ran… into the goalpost. _

_When I… fell in love with you…_

Damn, his heart hurt.

He stayed there, weakened and lost in this rain, holding onto her, his eyes lowered to the ground and away from her, as he wearily recalled everything that had happened.

He remembered…

---

Lying there on the grass in the soccer oval. His head killing him, opening his eyes and seeing her face looking down at him.

And then suddenly realizing that his head wasn't the only part of him that was hurting.

The Valentine's Day present… The 'Just Friends' Valentine.

Going up to the classroom to deliver Matt something from Sora… The way Matt had opened the door into his face and the way his cold blue eyes had stared at him, knowing something was wrong. How he'd shrugged it off and ran, tore down those stairs out the school and into the street, unable to stand it all.

Trying so hard to deny everything, and suddenly realizing that maybe he had loved her all along.

Standing outside the flower shop for no real reason, just standing there, looking in through the glass… wondering… if maybe she was there.

Seeing Sora outside the school and holding her while she cried her heart out after a bad day. The sudden recall of her exact words a few years ago… the cure for a bad day… the hurt that had crossed her face back then when he'd turned away from her.

Then hating himself uncontrollably for doing that, for hugging Sora… for touching his best friend's girlfriend.

And then the White Day Present.

And being so stupid he tried bashing his head on the goalpost again, hoping that it might reverse its effects.

And then… watching everything fall to pieces in his hands, even worse than before.

Everything… it all… It was impossible to say when it had all begun. Running into the goalpost… or perhaps way, way back. Trying to unlock all those memories… wondering if maybe it had happened a long, long time ago. Trying to remember… what it had been like when he and Sora were just friends…

All those… distant and forgotten memories…

---

"…Tai?" Sora's voice was shaking with the cold. Her face was wet from the tears before, from the rain streaming down.

Tai was numb. He could barely move, hardly feel anything. Damn, it was cold.

She was still waiting an answer to her questions. He still didn't what to say. Didn't know how to start, what to say… how to begin.

"Why?" she asked again.

"It's… it all… I…" he stumbled. There were so many things that came to mind, so many things that had happened, so many thoughts that crossed his mind… but nothing came out.

He couldn't look at her. And right now, he had so much to explain, so much to apologise for, so many things to say… All the words and phrases that he should say… completely left him. All that could come out of his mouth… all that he could say right now… he shouldn't. He could not.

But… Tai shivered. His fingers loosened as he started to stand up, pull away from her.

She stared at him and he could already sense the hurt and disappointment that emitted from her. But he couldn't… tell her…

Still… if he were to mutter out everything he had to admit to, if he were to finally tell her all the words on his heart, finally spill out his pain and tell her the truth… it would tear everything apart. He stared ahead dully as he pulled away from her, still unable to look at her.

But… what was there left to ruin? He'd already messed it all up, he'd already broken everything that there was to pieces, there was nothing else. He'd come so far, there was already no hope! What was the point of now trying to avoid it? What was there left to destroy that he hadn't already destroyed?

There were so many words to say… but he couldn't say them. When he tried to explain… it wouldn't come out… all he could say… was really all he had to say.

The rain had made his normally poofy hair wet and it fell down over his eyes now. Everything about him looked miserable… and the sky above continued to cry out, continued to grow darker and colder still.

"It's 'cause…" Tai muttered as he drew away, unable to look at her still. His hand left her arm and went defensively to his side, clenched into a fist.

She looked at him, her own red hair limp and sticking to her face, drips of water running nonstop from her hair and her face.

"…'cause…" Already his feet were moving backwards from her, already trying to leave.

He lifted his head and gazed at her with his dark eyes, the water dripping from his hair and rolling down his face.

Sora stared at him, suddenly reaching out a hand as if to grab him and hold him back, because his feet were moving away, his eyes unsure and not able to stay looking at her.

A look of bitter pain flashed across his face.

"…I've fallen in love with you," He told her huskily.

It was all he could say, but it was all he had to say.

For a moment, he stood there, not moving, and looked at her. He was tense, almost as though he knew she would reject him, he felt… so scared… but at the same time… he'd already realized it, already come to terms that everything was over. Everything.

Almost as though the rain could read Tai's mind, a bolt of lightning flashed in the distance and instantly, the rain came pouring down harder than ever.

He tore his gaze from her, the pain flickering in his brown eyes obvious, as he stepped back from her… one… two uncertain scared steps.

She watched him wide-eyed, her hand still stretched out for him, all the while her heart aching and throbbing inside so much.

He turned from her, haggardly, and ran from her, ran harder than he'd ever before, splashing through the puddles, the freezing water running over his already soaked body. And he cursed inside, and he felt the few tears run down his face, mingled with the rain. And he wouldn't look back; he just kept running, running like hell through the blinding rain.

**End Chapter 16. **

**Read and review! The End is coming! ^_^ emichii. **


	17. I wanted a Happy Ending!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon! **

**Well… here we are! We're finally here at chapter 17! Haha, it's been a long journey! But thanks so much everyone for supporting me all the way through! I know emichii has always been a Digimon taiora fanfiction writer, but I won't be starting a new fic for a while. I'll be busy working on my first book! ^_^ so… thanks so much for encouraging me! Anyway, here's the last chapter of ****Outta Control!**** I hope I can make it good! Read, enjoy and review!! **

**Chapter 17- I wanted a Happy Ending!! **

"TAAIII!!" Sora screamed after him.

The weather was horrific. The sky overhead was a very deep, dark blue. And the wind roared in answer with the thunder and the lightning that flashed across the sky. The rain kept plummeting down, and Sora stood there, in the midst of it all.

She watched him wide-eyed, his back to her, running away.

And she stood there, still in the rain. Her red hair was wet and limp, her skin cold from the rain. Her clothes were soaked through, but all her eyes could see was the figure running through the rain.

And her heart was breaking.

---

Mimi didn't understand.

Matt sat across from her, his icy blue eyes staring at her critically, his hands clenched together on the table in front of him.

She felt her heart rate speed up, even though she didn't know why. "What?" She asked slowly, softly. She raised her voice loudly and stared at Matt as she repeated it again, suddenly more urgently and more confused. "What? What are you talking about? What are you sorry for?"

"Everything." Matt said quietly.

Mimi opened her mouth to ask what he meant, but said nothing.

Matt seemed to gather up all his courage at that instance and looked at Mimi straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry, okay, Mimi? I'm sorry for everything!"

The pink-haired girl sat there, still. Her brown eyes were wide as she stared right back at Matt.

His heart was pumping so loud, he couldn't understand why nobody else could hear it. It was so loud; it was so irregular, just beating out of his chest. Dammit, he was scared. But Matt bit his lip and swallowed, because he had to continue. All of this… everything was way overdue.

"Why?" she asked, her voice disappearing as she looked at him in bewilderment.

"Because," Matt said, his voice suddenly breaking through louder that he'd intended. He felt the hysteria burst through his lungs as he watched her desperately, damn, he wanted to hold her so much. He couldn't just sit here across from the girl he'd secretly loved all this time, because he needed- he needed to tell her, that all this time- all this time, he'd…!

"Because, back then…" Matt struggled to slow down, or else he feared Mimi wouldn't hear what he was trying to say. "Back then, when you told me to ask Sora out…"

Mimi felt her chest tighten up as she pulled her gaze away from his.

"_Maybe… you're just not looking in the right places," _

"Because back then, you were the one who told me… I was not looking in the right places." Matt said. "You… said I needed someone who really cared for me and really knew. Someone who I could talk to properly and someone who was willing to listen…"

Mimi tried to stop her jaw from dropping as she flushed bright red. Matt… remembered everything she had said!

"_For crying out loud, Matt! You know what you should do? You should open your eyes and see the people standing right in front of you!!" _

"And… and you said that I should look at the people right in front of me!" Matt said, his blue eyes bright. "But… but all this time I was so ignorant and stupid… I never saw- I didn't realize… even though I started dating Sora, she wasn't who I wanted. You told me… you told me all the qualities of the girl I want, but I never realized that all along _you _were right there!"

Mimi felt the embarrassment and sadness wash over her. She hung her head in shame.

"Because, all along, even though you were right there, in front of me, I never saw! And I never realized and I kept denying it! I… I know now, Mimi, and I'm so sorry for being this stupid and not opening my eyes to see… that all this time, _you _have been standing there in front of me."

Mimi's shoulders began to shake as she buried her face in her hands, suddenly aware of the tears trickling down her cheeks.

"And all this time," Matt went on strongly, "you were the only one who I wanted. Because you're beautiful, you're sincere and caring; you are always there for me." His eyes wavered uncertainly for just a moment as he looked at her, a slight blush over his face. "Mimi, all this time I've been struggling to find the girl I want and you were always there. And I'm sorry that it took me this long to get here, but I…"

Mimi raised her head and looked at him over the tips of her fingers, her hands still clutched over her tear streaked face.

"I love you, Mimi." he said softly, honestly.

And with that, her heart gave out and she cried, the tears flowing down her cheeks freely.

And he sat there, staring at her tears for a moment, before he smiled softly to himself.

And Mimi smiled as best as she could, tried to open her mouth to reply, but was crying too hard.

And Matt leaned over the table to kiss her.

---

"Tai!! TAI!" She ran down the streets, her soaked shoes making squelching sounds against the cold cement as she raced after him. Her vision was blurred; it was hard to see through all this rain.

But she ran. She ran so fast, her heart felt like it was on fire, it was burning, and it hurt. Damn, it hurt so much.

"TAI!" she yelled out, as loud as she could. Lifting it up as hard as she could, pushing it to get to his ears, begging that it might reach him.

She shivered as she pounded down the streets after him. The rain seemed to fall harder and harder, merciless against her.

She practically tripped as she ran. She slowed, her steps splashing into puddles, sending a cold spray over her legs. She was exhausted. Her chest heaved up and down, she breathed hard, desperately trying to recover her breath as she coughed from the cold and the effort.

She walked slow now, Tai's figure already disappearing into the darkness up ahead. Every step was an effort in this miserable weather, and her teeth were chattering as she walked.

Man… he ran so fast.

She breathed heavily as she paused there. She shivered and tried to pull herself together. But she… she was stunned.

Before, she had been crying because of Matt. Because she was confused and because she was so sick of all this pretending, of trying so hard to find somebody who could be there for her, because her feelings and everything were so complicated.

But now… she felt a strangled sob rise up in her throat as she swiped away new tears that mingled with the rain on her face.

But now, she was crying for something else. For someone else.

She was tired. But… this time, she couldn't let Tai run away. She had to find him.

Up above, the night sky was still heavy with rain and the rain continued to fall. It was cold and Sora bit her lip as she shivered. But… no matter how cold or how hard it might be, she had to find him.

---

"Wow, it's raining really hard." Mimi said.

"Yeah," Matt said. "Good thing I have an umbrella." The blonde boy pulled out his umbrella, and smiled cheerfully at her as he reached out with his other hand to grab her hers.

Mimi blushed as she looked down at her feet. Man… it was so embarrassing. It was weird as to suddenly just be holding his hand like this. But she… she didn't want to let go.

The two stood there, outside the coffee shop, under the shelter of the roof as they looked out at the thundering rain.

That's when they suddenly heard the urgent splashing of rainwater on the ground, and someone's frantic and heavy footsteps. Someone was running out there, in the rain. They stared with wide eyes as the figure came closer and ran towards them.

"Sora??" They cried out in unison.

She was panting hard, barely able to answer. And when she did look up at them to speak, they could hardly hear her through the rain. Her face was very pale from the cold, but her cheeks were flushed from exhaustion. Droplets of rain ran down her face and off her chin, and she was soaked, her red hair limp and wet over her eyes.

Mimi stared at her best friend critically, her brown eyes wide. She let go of Matt's hand and reached out for Sora's shoulders. Sora was staring down at the floor, her chest heaving up and down as she gasped for breath.

"Sora, what…?" Mimi demanded, stunned at how violently Sora's shoulders were shaking under her grip.

Sora took a deep breath and began sniffling.

"Sora!" Mimi urged. "What happened?"

Sora finally lifted her head to look desperately up at her best friend, strained sobs rising up from her throat. And Mimi saw that the wetness on her face was not just from the rain, but from the tears spilling out from Sora's red eyes.

"…Tai!" Sora gasped out, looking at Mimi desperately. "It's Tai…!" she choked out, her red eyes wide and troubled. "He… he went- Tai said- He… He ran this way! Tai…! Ohh…" Sora pulled away from Mimi and stood there in the rain, clutching her arms around herself, visibly in pain as she squeezed her eyes tight. "Tai…"

Mimi stood there, still under the shelter from the building, staring at her best friend in the rain.

Matt understood. _Tai… he's… _

"Sora." he said all of a sudden, serious. The worry flashed across his face for a second as he told her. "Tai… He lov-"

"I know!!" Sora suddenly cried.

It shocked all three of them. Mimi and Matt standing there, under the shelter, and Sora standing out there in the downpour.

"I know!" She exclaimed again, and her voice broke painfully as she said it. "I know! Dammit, I do know...!"

Sora sniffed back tears as she turned slowly away from her friends.

She began running, at first slowly and then gradually built up her speed so that she was practically flying, creating huge splashes of water in the puddles as she raced down the streets. Her wet hair was plastered to her face with the water as she ran, and she refused to look back as she went, leaving Matt and Mimi to stare at her vanishing form.

_I do know… I know… _

And she gritted her teeth as she ran harder, a few more tears falling from her eyes.

_I know… I know that Tai loves me…!! _

---

Because Tai had suddenly started distancing himself from her. And she wouldn't have noticed at first, but it had been right after she started dating Matt.

She was a little hurt and confused by it, but was sick by it. Because she'd been sick of spending so much time yearning for the boy that never seemed to se her. Because she'd spent so much of her childhood admiring her friend, secretly liking him, but he'd just never feel the same.

But he was still there. Maybe… maybe he tried to avoid her, especially when she was with Matt, but she'd known he was always around.

And whenever she asked, he'd answer her request. And she couldn't possibly understand what had been going through Tai's head back then when he so willingly helped her out, time after time. Like when he ran up to give Matt the food that she'd prepared for him.

She'd tried so hard to be happy with Matt. Because she'd been so tired of not being seen with Tai. But no matter how hard she tried, she had never… never stopped liking Tai.

The thoughts burdened Sora as she ran. The streetlights seemed to flicker as they slowly turned themselves on, lighting her path as she ran through the darkness. How was she even meant to know where he was? All she knew, all she had seen was just his back disappearing into the rain.

But she didn't want to see him running away from her. And Sora bit her lip, because she knew that it hadn't been the first time he'd run like this.

During White Day, how much courage had Tai needed to pluck up to give her his gift? And even though Matt had bought her those white roses, roses that symbolized love, the present that Sora secretly liked the most had been the giant white bear from Tai.

---

She slowed down, and stared up ahead of her. The light from the streetlights flickered and reflected off the droplets of rain in the evening. Up ahead, she could make out the playground equipment and trees of a park. If she looked straight ahead, she could see no-one, not for a long way. She paused.

Maybe… up ahead. If she were to walk further and turn left towards the children's park, then…

_I know… _Her eyes were suddenly dry from the tears before, maybe because now… she… kinda understood it. _ I know he loves me…! I just…! _

Tai standing there, outside the flower shop. His brown eyes looking inside searching, and the only person he'd been trying to see had been her. And then, how she'd looked up and seen him, immediately rushed towards him, ran to the outside of the shop, just to see him run away from her.

And it had only been for a split second, but she'd caught the expression in his eyes. That flicker of hurt and sorrow, and that fear.

She knew why he'd tried so hard to avoid her. She knew why he'd distanced himself.

Because… honestly… Sora felt her heart breaking for him. Tai was too caring for his own good.

Tai… was someone who never put his own wants first. No… he must've tried so hard to be happy for his two closest friends, and he had to smile and hold it all in for the sake of his best friend Matt. Because Tai would never take something that belonged to Matt. He wouldn't… because Tai was so caring.

And Tai had gone through so much and he must've been through so much pain. That fear in his eyes then, he'd been bloody scared. Because he couldn't let anyone see, he couldn't let anyone know. If it meant his feelings would hurt others, then… then he'd just hide his feelings and hurt himself instead.

_But Tai…! I… _

Even through the cold, and even though she shivered as she walked slowly towards the playground equipment, Sora smiled tearfully to herself. From the sky, the rain seemed to be slowing. It was still there, but it was slower now, softer somehow.

She'd wondered if she was being too selfish from wanting someone to be there for her always. She wondered why she was having such a bad day, wondered if she was being horrible for wanting Matt to care and spend some time with her, to somehow know the magic words to say to make everything okay.

And that day… when she'd been feeling so down and needing comfort from someone who cared so badly, the person who stood there, awkwardly maybe, was Tai.

And he knew he didn't have to do it, but he did.

Because Tai had always been there for her. She'd been crying that day, bitter and sad. And he was the one who stood there beside her, not quite knowing what to say but trying anyway. And then he'd held her while she cried her heart out.

And Sora gritted her teeth as she headed towards him. Because… all this time, she couldn't know how long exactly it had been. Even though he must've tried so hard to hide it, tried so hard to deny it, because he didn't want to hurt others… he was the one who loved her the most.

'cause all along, nobody else loved her more than he did.

---

There was a shadow hidden there in the darkness. It was huddled there, seated on a swing, moving back and forth minimally. The shape was of a fifteen-year old boy, cold and lonely, swinging himself just a little back and forth in the rainy night.

Tai sat there, his eyes dark and blank as they stared out into the darkness. He could see nothing, and it was freezing cold, his body was numb. He could barely feel anything either. He smiled grimly to himself. That could be good. It would… be nice to feel nothing. Nothing at all. No love, no pain.

He bowed his head, his wet hair falling over his eyes, the drops of rain dripping from the strands and down his chin.

_Huh. Strange… _He looked up above him at the sky. The rain seemed to be slowing a little. The cold and the breeze still remained, but the rain seemed to be lightening somehow.

_I wonder why… _He thought to himself absentmindedly as he looked out ahead of him again. And froze.

She stood there, staring at him.

Immediately, he jumped to his feet, but felt cornered at every side. He stood there and suddenly, his heart began pumping out of his chest again and the sobs came up out of his throat, he could hardly breathe, dammit!

He… he should go! He… had to get away!!

"Tai!" Her voice pierced through the rain.

Damn, he couldn't ignore that voice. Not Sora's voice...

He didn't want to look at her, could hardly find the strength to look her in the eyes. But even in the rain and the dark, he could see her fine. She was there, pale and shivering in her wet clothes, wet hair, tear-stained face, red eyes.

Why? Why was she even here?

Why had she come here? What for?

She wouldn't have… run this far… in the pouring rain… tried so hard just to find him, she wouldn't!! She couldn't…!

She didn't even know what to say now. And here he was, soaked through, miserable and alone here in front of her. And all her thoughts had been of him but now she had absolutely no idea what to say.

"Tai…" she started as she looked at him desperately, struggling to reach him. He stayed there, where he was, watching her now, with the fear obvious in his eyes.

"I… I came here, Tai…" she breathed, tired from her run. "I ran here all this way to find you," Sora said. "Because there are so many things I have to tell you…!"

He didn't understand and was shocked at the way her voice suddenly brightened and she seemed to smile.

"…thankyou!" she found herself crying out and smiling, smiling so hard through the rain and with tears in her eyes, smiling so hard that her cheeks hurt. "Thankyou, Tai, for caring about me. For being my friend, for always being there, for continually putting yourself last after everybody else! Thankyou, because you were the only one who could cheer me up after a bad day, thankyou because you were always there, because you… you are the one who I know… loves me most of all!"

"…thanks, Tai…!" she murmured as the tears came again.

He watched her, still, the rain running down his face.

"I know… I know that you did it all for me. I know… how hard you tried to avoid me because you couldn't bear to hurt me or Matt. Because you are caring, Tai, because you are compassionate! And I… I'm so sorry that you've been suffering all this time, hiding so many things to yourself… I… I actually… I just…!"

Sora was silent for a moment, and there was nothing but the sound of the rain between them.

"…ever since… a long time ago, even when we were just kids, I had… I have always liked you!!" she cried out.

Tai gaped at her.

She glared at him, her cheeks red against her pale face as she stared at him meaningfully. "I don't know… I don't know if you remember, but in Year 6, that Valentine's present that you got in your mailbox was from me! I know, I mean… I know that was a long time ago, but my feelings never changed!"

Her heart was pumping so loud in her chest. And her hands were clenched so tightly, her nails were digging into her palms.

"I… I always spent so much time watching you, during your soccer matches and stuff, but you never noticed me! You always said that we were just friends… and I… I figured that you could never like me! So I… I tried to hide it as much as I could, even though it hurt! And it was hard to handle it because I… I really, really liked you! I wanted to forget it, I tried to get over you, so I… so I started going out with Matt!"

Tai stared at her, his brown eyes wide.

"…but I… I never… I never ever stopped loving you!" she cried out.

Sora stood there, scared, embarrassed. But her red eyes stared Tai straight in the eye, honest.

"I love you, Tai!" she declared, suddenly smiling. "I really love you!"

Tai stood there, and suddenly he felt the tears in his eyes. And he was embarrassed by them. "…it was…" he finally spoke, his voice croaking and hoarse. "It was the goalpost… when I ran into it…" Those were the random words that came out of his mouth but he bowed his head and let the happy tears fall, still not understanding how his heart could be so happy.

Sora blinked at him. And then her beautiful smile broke across her face once again and she ran into his arms.

---

It was raining still, even though it had lightened a bit. Even the evening sky was a blue, but not the deep haunting blue from before, now it was a little lighter, more friendly some how. It was cold, but…

Tai rested his head over Sora's shoulder as he held her. It was warm here, in her arms.

They walked now, hand in hand, through the rain. He still… wasn't quite sure what to say. He still didn't know how he was meant to act with her.

But it was okay. It really was.

They were both soaked. It was cold. It was still raining. But inside, he couldn't really explain it. He was happy… he felt really… really light inside, like he'd finally let go of those weights he'd been carrying all this time.

It was nice… all this time; he'd been stressed, been scared, but worried. He'd been running and hiding, struggling, trying so hard not to let anyone see the truth.

But now it was peaceful. Just like this, him and Sora walking through the rain together.

_It… It would be nice if this could last forever. _He thought to himself.

Sora suddenly looked up at him and smiled. And his heart leapt with joy. Sure, she was wet and teary, her hand was cold in his but that smile… that smile had always made everything better. And that smile was just for him.

"Hey!" she said suddenly, pointing out in front of them. "There's Matt and Mimi!"

Tai looked up at where she was pointing.

In the distance, he could see two figures standing up ahead in the rain, waiting for them, standing under an umbrella.

_I know… that this 'love' thing is really stupid. I still reckon so right now, but… _

She grinned up at him, the tears shining in her eyes and he smiled so hard back at her.

_I know… that it's been the cause of all my pain and suffering, but I think I might just be starting to realize why everyone else is always making such a big deal about it… _

Tai smiled to himself, just a little. He tightened his grip on Sora's hand as they both ran together, in the falling rain.

'_Love'?_

_Maybe… _

_It's really not so bad after all. _

**The End!! **

**Hey!! That was an incredibly long chapter, and I am thoroughly exhausted now. It was really, really hard to write. I just hope that you all liked it, and I hope it lived up to your expectations! If it didn't, I am really, really sorry. So… please review! And by the way, there won't be many new fanfics coming out for a while- I'm busy working on my book. So… thankyou once again so, so much for all your reviews, for reading, for always encouraging and getting me this far!! Thankyou! ^_^ emichii! Please continue to support me! **


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